JUNE 13 2019

dear future self,

find a man who is NOT like your father

find a man who is considerate of your feelings, who do not shout at your face for stupid reasons. ie. simple orders

find a man who can do his own chores so when you get married, you won’t be stuck doing the same thing everyday for the rest of your life

find a partner, not a boss

i hope he could get his own freaking glass of water

and when he can’t, i hope he says PLEASE instead of with an angry voice

i hope he don’t spit vulgar words regularly

so his children won’t feel that it has to be normal

because it is not

i hope he notice how his children jumps and frown at his words

i hope he notice how it truly affects people

i hope he asks you how you are feeling every time

and when he don’t

i still hope he do at least once in a week

not come home expecting all of you are doing fine just because you stay at home

i hope you don’t stay at home

i hope he asks questions and not jump into his unfriendly assumptions

i bet he forgot he married his best friend

i hope he is not know-it-all

i hope he speak of only well-thought words

i hope he admits he is wrong when he is

i hope that when he feel good about saying the right things

he do not have to repeat all about it the whole day feeling he is damn right his whole life

i hope he makes you coffee in the morning as much as you does

and not forcefully wake you up early so everything is ready when he does

i hope he will not allow himself to sleep while you are uncomfortably trying to find yours in your uncomfortable so-called-bed

and i hope he don’t wake you up just because he wants to sleep in your place

that is totally and utterly disrespectful

i hope he don’t think highly of himself because he brings food to the table

when he can’t even serve his own plate

i hope he don’t brush it in your face that he works the whole day

because you also did

it is called responsibility

i hope he don’t have any vice

but when he does, i hope he knows limit

because when he don’t

he will not listen and stop and do what he likes

and you will come to your parents’ home

because you end up black and blue

and you will be visiting prison

because… guess who will be there

i hope he also think of others when he is feeling comfortable. ie. his children

i hope he always watch his actions and not make his surrounding feel awkward

i hope that he goes to church and seriously adopt the teachings

because if he don’t, he will not mind watching explicit videos when his children is around not even on a 3-meter radius

i hope you realize how people normally make mistakes

and when he did, don’t stay silent

silence his wrong doings

while you do so, don’t think about silly things like avenge

you don’t have to make all things even

i hope he says positive things and not condemn others with mistaken accusations

i hope he knows how to light up a room

not dim it when people know he is coming

i hope he realize that provision do not make him a husband or a father

showing passion and compassion will

and it does not stop even after you called us “anak”

happy fathers day, papa

im sorry

JUNE 13 2019 | 22:50 | THURS

*ive wanted to write about this for a long time but i always catch my self trying not to sound angry and ungrateful

those ‘always’ end up in trash

*i do not intend to write this on his supposed-special-day, it just happens that i cannot contain it any longer

*this blew up today because he was speaking harshly to mama a little earlier about how she use up money for unnecessary consumption

although grateful that he provides, he forgot how we are seven in the family (all growing)

mama barely spends for herself, she’d rather buy materials for the house than her clothes

she always wear her torned up ones, she is always sweaty because she always want to do the chores

*this shortage is partly my fault because they were paying the loan used for my tuition last month, i just graduated but currently useless

but i do not have an explanation for his awful manners though

*the scenario today was only one of the many things that bring me to this, it was a horror that a daughter speak like this

*for the record, i am sorry for observing everything and hate every single thing about it

but i learned (written above are my notes, i better keep it)

i am sorry for looking like a brat when i chose not to speak and show my disgust through actions (ie. dont give a f)

and i am sorry for saying this

sometimes, your ill-mannered way of speaking repulses me, i can’t even look at you