Events, Memories, Uncategorized

Behind the year 2016

2016 didn’t fail me when it said, “it’s gonna be an eventful year”.

If anything, I failed it.

I was thankful for everything that happened throughout the year. It made me so much happier to see things differently, to experience awesomely great things.
Indeed, God was able.

From the beginning, I laid my heart out to Him, for the past year I’ve become miserable then decided to lean on His decision instead and this all happened.

I could now just barely feel the anxiety and pain I experience last year. Honestly, it’s coming back once in a while. I’m still in the process of healing and I think that the trauma would be there for much longer time but it will be okay.

I don’t know how much change it caused me but it makes me crave for one. I always want to be hungry for a change. That is for sure.

It was one of the things I learned from life, that change is the only permanent thing in this world. So, I would hold on to it because it would always be my last chance.

Acceptance was the hardest part of moving ahead but it was definitely a leap to take, it was that time when you realize that “I’m so done.” And I think that’s a progress.

Because once you overcome the fear of embracing the reality, that is when you will live it. And then, you will realize, that it is not that bad. You’ve learned to see every good things in smaller details and that will make you special. How you treat life is how it will treat you.

I would love to share every memorable experience I had this year and I’d love to have it here.

I had an adventure.

So, I’ve been to Nueva Ecija with some friends. It’s one for the books since it’s the first long distance trip (i think) I have gone with my self (technically)- I mean, with no relatives connected, ya know. Just the parent of my one friend who didn’t really mind our business but sure keeping an eye on us. It’s a 3-day get away, hey!! Loved every memories there. Also, I edited clips of me on the trip. It was no-pro type but I admire myself on my effort I put in there (lol)

Second time was mid April, it was with the same group of friends I was with on Nueva Ecija, but this time we got more than tripled! We ain’t complete but hey, t’was a bunch of craziness already. If we are, our favorite adviser wouldn’t able to handle us already. He was with us, that’s how cool he was. We’ve gone road tripping. It was the best one yet. Not perfect but enough. We spent the midnight on road and hit home on dawn. Although we spent the morning at our friends’ pad. We were hyped. That day was great!

I attended birthday parties.

For some reason, I appreciate being invited to birthday parties although I ain’t a hundred percent sure of coming, I always tried. It kind of brought me thinking that I am remembered (wow). These people sure meant to me too. If they weren’t I would not come any way. Thank you friends!

I had my OWN PARTY.

I turned 18.
Say what people?! Yup, I hosted a party. I had one. It kinds of freaks me now thinking that I really did. All thanks to people behind it, of course. I had so many break down before it though. I’ve been stressing on it so much, I didn’t realized how much it affect me mentally already. Nevertheless, it happened, I’m glad. There was a lot of arguments and push and pull of decisions so it ended up being abrupt and not a hundred percent prepared event.
^Honestly, there was this thing that I really sincerely wanted to feel but I can’t get myself to it. The genuine happiness. Everytime I think of the party, I wanted to feel how beautiful I was that time. How magical the moments are. There’s just none. But I never mention it to them. Not any chance.
I don’t know why. But maybe, it was because of the beforemath, I wasn’t completely feeling my self. I felt like, I was only pulling it out from them selfishly. Maybe, I felt drained from all the emotions I stressed my self to. My heart hurts just from thinking how ungrateful I felt despite being beyond blessed I a truly am. I wanted to be happy. But this is not about this. This is not the happiness my heart craves.

I had my first job.

It was one of my major goal this 2016 and promised my self to have one right after I turned 18. I was frustrated of my life the past months before then, I felt so useless and just unreal. I pursue on finding one, I am just lucky to have a friend to help me get this job. She was working there for her On the job training and the store needed more staff that time. So I grabbed the opportunity, honestly, blindly. It’s just sad, I’m almost unsure. Our other friend was there too, we both got hired but she left after a day. Without so much conviction, I continued. Days and days passed, I got used to it. I actually loved the placed and my chores. Until schedules got out of hand, salary isn’t fixed and I felt violated for all the policies that seem to be applied unfairly. Although, I loved the people there, I was aloof at first for they are not my age. They were all on mid 20’s and up. They helped me a lot, more than they knew. I trained there for almost 2 months. It wasn’t bad for my first time. I was a server/cashier, managing the cash bank was fun. It was my first dream job, oh, childhood. It was a good experience, tiring but worth it.

I came back to school.

After a year and half, I am back. It got a little complicated on my first two weeks since I was still working on the restau that time. I had a hard managing my time that it always left me exhausted, mentally and physically. My plans of being a strong part time student shattered right there. I could never survive. I chose school, my mother thought other wise. I think that she cannot and will never understand my situation that time, we had misunderstanding. I tried to helped my self as much as I could standing up, shitty happens, it almost impaired me. Everyday I was a walking wreck.
I put so much effort to divert all my attention to my studies. I should get over everything and let it all be. So, I did. I believe that in every push I give myself, I am still leaving some of me behind. You know the feeling when you cannot completely give your all despite of wanting desperately? I failed. And I am not saying those because I failed, because if I achieved what I promised myself, I will not be saying this. I don’t know. Honestly. Trust me. I promised to help my brother who sends me to school. I promised to have that scholarship that will spare me from paying school fees a hundred percent. I failed. I’ve been praying for it. I failed. It’s not enough. I was almost there. I thought it was on my grasp already. For the many times again this year, my heart shattered.

But they let me continue for the next semester and now, I am obviously on a holiday break from school. I am still trying to find the right track. I am still working everything out. I will never stop. At least, not now.

I had the most eventful year ever. I don’t want to be cynical but for some reason, I was made to become one. I even want this entry to be an uplifted and only contains goody stuffs but I can’t help pouring everything out. I shouldn’t be sorry though since I made this site for a reason. It just happens that I can’t control my emotions sometimes.

I had my ups and downs and downs.

Every things happens for a reason. Phrase that I kept reminding myself every time I fail to meet my expectation.

The next year, I want to make it more about personal. I felt like I’m lacking of it. I felt like I’m never personally stable. If I want everything to be smooth, I should start it with actually building myself.

The next year, should be something I should be looking forward to.

-LSS.
DEC.22.2016

Uncategorized

Tagaytay Escapade

Planning this trip was smooth, we brain stormed ideas and stuff and that’s how our discussion became heated and fun at the same time.

Arranging it was undoubtly not easy for we were inconsistent of the van we were planning to use and foods to pack. But all went well at the end.

Persuading friends for this was stressfully tiring, because everyone was like yes and no, unsure. And if won’t personally ask, they won’t give you updates about their final decision. *Sigh* S/o to TMM!

3 DAYS BEFORE THE TRIP
I was slightly getting hype but stressed out of everything my plans for this month. I also started to second guess this trip because of stupid superstition and instinct that made me question my decision. But how can my heart take this long drive down?
You know how much this makes me feel alive and contented, how much I love this kind of escapes.
… and the fact that it turned out to be a night out. It’s final! I’m so doing this!

2 DAYS BEFORE THE TRIP
Things were getting out of hand and slowly drifting apart. Okay, that’s exaggerating but these past weeks were seriously draining me. It was exhausting me physically and mentally. I cried for no reason at all and to just plain pathetic instances. Also, I haven’t had a proper sleep just yet. And time won’t stop and continue torturing me with how fast it flies. Damn, can you slow down?

1 DAY BEFORE THE TRIP
My father haven’t given me money for the trip yet and my mom still pushes cons and cons of this upcoming out of town. (Presenting to you my super nega mom). I guess she just cares so much. It doesn’t take a genius to know that I’m lacking money and this day has to be the day we were supposed to look for (summer)job. Great idea, friend. So we went out but I was unluckily still too young for the company we went to. So I waited for my friend until she finished her interview and meet her on lunch break. I think it’s fine that she got a huge chance to have a job and I don’t because during lunch my dream came true. I ate alone with no company at all! Don’t I just love to be independent? So it really happened, I swear.
So there, after that I hanged out with 2 of my high school close friends (chia and len) and do just girly things and catched up.

Before the day ended, we finalize the whole trip and how it should go. We’re still conscious though, but we love being reckless. Bad asses we have here.

THE DAY.
The original plan was to start as the sun rise but take it from us; we’re undecisive. Instead, we drove away just as the sun sets. The sun chooses to great us that day beautifully. We were struck by its rare look or is just me for I wasn’t out most of the days.

Fast forward.

It was already dark when we got to our first destination. It was on the upper area so the night view before us was fascinating. The thousands of light from the houses hundred miles away from us was amazingly seen from there.

One thing I want from darkness, it wasn’t always loneliness- as how we usually define ‘dark’. There is peace and beauty, only if you want to find it.

Since the time plan was changed, our iterinary has to change too. So we decided to take this trip literally as it is- on the road.

We dine in at KFC for dinner sometime that night and came back to the road again. After one round, we tried to put a picnic blanket somewhere to stay. So we did, it was midnight already, the place was huge and spacious that we can take long walks. Chilly nights with friends are always the best. We played various of games and talked about random things.

If not for the van limited time rent we aren’t home yet at 3AM. Unfortunately, time has to come and we have to go back and face the reality. (??) (Lol)

For me, everything turned out well, despite its imperfection and abruptness. Everytime we do something different I know our bond is getting tighter and that’s more important.

How everything happened, may it be good for our side or not, is maybe how it really should be.

-LSS
APRIL 12 2016 | 1:30 PM | WEDNESDAY

Uncategorized

Sweets and Creeps

If you are to ask me how my Valentines Day had been, I must say that it was bitter-sweet one.

Yesterday was so eventful that it knocked me off the moment I hit the bed. And lead me to narrate my ‘adventure’ last night, today. I am actually thinking twice of sharing it on my blog, I guess I’ll give it on my diary then.

If you read my pre-valentine entry on my blog, I discussed ways of how you could spend it. And I actually applied it, wow. I’m living my words. Well, kinda, you will understand later.

I told you about how you could spend it with your close friends, just hanging out and catching up.

But I started mine the way this day should be started. I went to church and give praises to our God. It’s a Sunday and being with Him first and foremost was a very good feeling, it enlighten my mood more and made me keen on how this day would roll for me.

After the service, I went to my girl friends’ house. Helen, Francia and I did our usual thing. Pig out and an unexpected movie marathon (TV actually). We came browsing the television that afternoon and we stumble upon this really epic classic movie— One More Chance. I have only watched it once and that was long ago, I was young back then and I never enjoyed it the way I enjoyed it yesterday. My innocence that time won’t get the plot of the story yet. The feels and content of that movie was so intense, I recommend. So, we ended up watching one more show before it and there begins our Valentines date.

In between the first movie, we kinda prepare our food and share stories here and there. It goes like that the whole time. After the movie and being lousy-people-lying-on-couches we went out to repair Francia’s tablet gadget. Helen’s mother have a store on market and we stayed there for awhile continuing our talk and whatever.

After a while, it was evening by then, I went straight to Dianne’s pad to greet her a Happy birthday personally. I didn’t expect that I’ll be seeing some friends of ours too, there they practice their perfomance for her celebration on the 20th. I kinda ate some served food too. Yummm!! We talked about the upcoming event and planned some changes too. My day was going swiftly and just fine until we were on the jeepney on our way home.

Half way to our destination, two passenger made their way on the same jeep we are on; I was with my friend, Aldrex. He was sitted opposite of me, and the jeep wasn’t packed much so there’s alot of spaces to sit on. The one sat slighly beside me, he left a good distance between us and his other friend sat in front, beside the driver. They seemed new or lost because they keep asking the driver about directions and a particular place. I don’t want to be rude by judging them with their appearances but I can’t help it. The acts and glances they were giving around and my way looked so suspicious, their looks were the type of those goons I watched on TV— like they were hiding something behind their hands waiting to attack you.

I have a morbid imagination, I know. They are creeps and it gives me chills. I can’t help but panicked inside my head.

At first, I thought they were like the same annoying guys-who-has-nothing-to-do and say hi to random people especially to attractive girls. And man, I was not attractive at all. But I do receive some glances and ‘Hi, miss’ my way everytime. For me, it wasn’t fine at all to receive random compliments or comments from a complete stranger. It was annoying and sometimes embarassing. I’m thankful that they appreciate but they don’t have to go ‘feeling close’. Boys.. hays

On the other hand, these guys that rode with us last night wasn’t the normal guys-who-has-nothing-to-do. He wasn’t contented on glances, he even shot me a piercing look that stayed so long it made me uncomfortable. Being the normal me, I was praying already on the inside and crying for help— but squirming a little on the outside. I gave her frowns and disgusted faces some times but he wouldn’t budge. I think he find my pimple on the nose cute.

I got so alarmed when he continues doing so. The ride shouldn’t take so long it must be 10 to 15 mins only. But I am still frightened because the road we would be taking was dark and mostly quiet. Annnddd guess what? GOD IS SO GOOD, He heard my prayers right then.

The road I was talking about was blocked because it was under construction. It cause the jeepneys to take the other route wherein there’ll be more houses and is brighter. I was so happy thanking God, but that wasn’t the end yet.

He pointed out the karinderya asking (the driver) if that was a karinderya indeed, it was damn obvious because of the displays, saying they will eat there. But like I said, their acts were suspicious, I bet being dumb was their front. They did not even follow the driver’s repeated intructions. After all their questions, their destination and eating long forgotten, they even seemed to know where they were going and they were out of their supposed way.

They went out of the transpo too early and that made us ahead of them. He even continued his creepy stares as he got off and peek on the window calling his friend, but his eyes seemed glued to me. The urge to punch him was so strong. They were walking towards us the moment we got out. The realization the I’ll be separating ways with Aldrex doubled up my alertness. When our eyes met, I prenteded to shrugged my worries off and just smiled, nodding my head I said nothing as he bid goodbye. I know he knew something was off and was aware of the jeepney incident but I never glanced back at him thinking I might saw the goons behind. Instead I pulled my bag closer to me and rushed my steps, securing I had to have people to walk side by side. I utter prayers repeatedly inside my head and only stopped when I already caught sight of our house. Thank you, Lord.

I am never good at telling stories so sorry for having it so long it took half of this entry. My Valentines did not end pretty good, I must say. I guess it was part of the plan? Nothing bad happened and I’m still walking and talking to you. Soooo, it was fine. Everything is okay! If not, it will be.

Ps. God knew our prayers even before we utter them. Glory to God!

– LSS
FEBRUARY 15 2016 | MONDAY

Events, Uncategorized

Hearts Day

This coming Valentines Day, what are you up to?

Do you have a date to go to? Well, I ain’t teaching you how to prepare your dress and make up here. No, I won’t give you heads up and the do’s and don’ts during dates.

I have none for myself, anyway.

Instead, let me give you choices on how you can spend you Vday this year.

So, we are in the month of love. And not only to your boyfriends/girlfriends you could show the love, you have your friends, teachers, family or yourself. Since that’ll be on a Sunday, go to church, date with God.
Nowadays, some kids of this generation misunderstood this special day. They thought it was about dates with partners, it seems like being in a relationship with your opposite sex is a must-have now. Wake up, you could actually live without them.

I might sound bitter for some but I was only saying what I think is happening. Yes I am single, but I am actually keen on this coming fourteenth because I have a date!

…with my friends. We will spend the day together and catch up, it has been ages since we saw each other. We would probably pig out and that is something to look forward to… really.

Since I mentioned it already, let us start with spending your day with:

– your friends. School works are exhausting and time consuming. Go see you friends and catch up on agendas and shenaniggans you’re doing these days. You don’t want to miss a thing about them, do you? Having your besty around is giving us this light feeling of being free on whatever we do and say, it’s like you can go do stupid and dumb things together. These moments are what we missed the most. Or you could be emos and lazy asses for the day, have them around. They make the best company. Anyway, your stories are unlimited, you would never be bored. Redeem your inner craziness with them.

– your teachers. It’s a Sunday, means no school. But it is not an exemption to not appreciate the kindness and patience the educators are giving us. They have been the second parent of ours. Make the most out of the day and be grateful for their existence. Extend your love to them. Well, I am not only talking about your teachers on school, but to those who taught you things that you are grateful of learning. To those people who lead you to wherever and whatever. Tell them how you appreciate having them in your life.

– your family. Whether you are living with them or not, how much you treasure them is undeniably beyond anyone’s imagination and measurement. You might not be showy enough but you know them like the back of your hand, you know too well how to behave around them. But this day, make it more special, double your love that you usually give them. Presents sounds good, but don’t you think that a simple movie marathon and lounging on your living room seems much more appealing? Give it a shot, have a good laugh with them. They were you first love in the first place.

– your bf/gf. I know I should include this, I should be fair. LOL
So, if your other half asked you on a date, go have fun and show them how thankful you are for having them.
Well, I was never good at this since I haven’t asked on a date yet (like I am waiting for one? I’m single remember?) I also told you how I wouldn’t give you reminders and do’s for a date. But just remember this, whether you will go on a fancy a date or on a simple diner, do not fret much and enjoy every single moment of it. I believe that couple’s date should be more likely to a friend’s date because you’ve been that at first, right? Though, more intimate now. BUT, Girls! Yes, you girl, do not ever do something your parents remind you not to do, okay?

– you, your self. Just what I needed right now. I feel like I’ve been wasting so much time lately. Even though I’ve been with no one but myself, I feel like I needed this one. I wanted to travel and go on a void and silent place and just assess and reconstruct my dreams and goals in life. Yes, I am that lonely and broken, I can’t help but be like that, anyone with me? No?
Okay, just do your own thing and mess around as much as you want. Treat yourself. Be selfish for now and pig out alone, you have your yummy food for yourself. Or go for a walk wherever you want to go or go shopping, anything that will make you happy. Be generous to your self for once. Go and shower your self with love! (But I discourage you to buy chocolates and flowers then send it on your own address just to show off.) Come on, love yourself. Enjoy!

– with God. Definitely a must. Not just because it’s Vday but simply because He lives and is able. His love for us is more than enough reason to give Him little of our time everyday, if not, every once in a week. What is a 3hour service on church? It’s nothing, so better use it in a more worthy cause. Actually, giving is not the right word, we must offer. That is what He did, we should too.
Before everything, go worship and give Him praise. May it be with your friend, your teacher, your family, you bf/gf or your own, go and pour your heart out on Him. If He never fail to bless us, why fail Him now? He never stopped loving you, never will. Glory to Him.

God bless you all. Love one another, show them your love and live a happy life.

How are you going to celebrate this year’s Vday? Tell me.

Ps. You are always loved.

Happy Valentines day and have good one, lovies.

-LSS
February 11, 2016 | 1:59 PM | Thursday

Memories, Uncategorized

I Have A Secret

I have tinnie tiny secret to tell. I am proud and at the same time embarrassed of what I am about to tell you. But I just have to let this out, like right now.

We made a video! I was in a video! A video that anyone could possibly see publicly! Surprise? I know you are not. Some may think that there is no biggy about it. Though for me, IT IS A HUGE thing.

To enlighten you more about thing ‘video’ I just told you, read further. My sister discover this online contest wherein you send entry videos (and pictures for some), since Christmas was only coming that time, advertisers used it to promote and give prizes to consumers. Well, my sister and her friend first joined on a dubsmash contest where you’ll have to feature their product. Since her friend is a multimedia arts student, they did great when it comes to quality and that’s alot for the criteria. So she then thought that it’s a good idea to join for another one again. She searched for more and found this girly product that suits us, sisters. It was a nail polish producer, they were in search for a colorful and artistic ad that gives the presenting of the product an unexpected twist. Hence, we submitted one.

We shoot the video last January 2 in the park. Making this video never bothered me just by thinking it at first. Because one, it should only have to be fifteen second long; two, my friends would never got to see this. And boy was I wrong with either. I convinced myself that there will be nothing to lose by doing this little skit. About time to do something different and get my self some action. Never did I thought that I am literally about to do ‘action’.

On the video, we were both bad ass chicks with guns on their hands. My first on cam acting could never been this cool, I was being chase ’cause I am that bad ass. LOL I must say that I did fine in it but my skill wasn’t that enough because we had to re-take all the scenes that there is. I ran, I tripped and I danced… yes we danced amidst of the action. Pretty unexpected, right? (The vide isn’t able when posting so here is the link instead. Check it out if you want)

I was not used to be seen on screen or in-action because I am always the director or a writer. So I’d say it’s challenging and exciting being it my first time. I gave it a shot anyway… and it wasn’ t that bad.

A month came and the contest was still going on, they extended it for some reason. But just this February, after confirming our entry validation, they started sharing every entries and I was getting nervous day by day. Then the day I feared the most came, they shared our video. My sister shared and it spreaded to my friend’s feed like wild fire. No, I was exaggerating. I don’t know who else saw but some of them thought it was funny to tease me about it. I felt embarrassed but kinikilig too. They were supportive despite the teases. Aren’t they the sweetest? I have cool friends, I know!

I just hope and pray that our effort will be worth it. The reward is really helpful if we ever got the chance to win this. I have an upcoming debut to celebrate and it will help me pay for necessities also, I think of going back to school, helping my self. I am so broke I know, and I can get through this.

But win or lose, I am happy with my experience. I overcame my wall of shyness, somehow. And that’s prizeless. Got to achieve more changes!

Ps. I will update you when the result came.

Have a good night, lovies.

-LSS February 9, 2016 | 10:36 PM | Tuesday

Uncategorized

Torn Between

Guess what’s happening 99 days from now? IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! So who’s excited? ME? …Not exactly.

I was supposed to do this on an exact hundred days before my big day. But who am I kidding; aside from me being forgetful, time really do fly so fast. Big day… I never really stress myself everytime about this but this year is different. I am about to meet my legalization age. Yes, I’m 18 and still a sore loser.
I never thought that turning 18 would be this mind-boggling and emotionally-tiring. It’s getting nearer and I still do not have anything on my plate up to now. So many things to consider on planning and I can’t help but over analyze each of them. I think this celebration would be anything but elegant and classy. I want to make simple and mild. No extravagant designs, cakes, gown and venue. We couldn’t afford it anyway. But I’ll be happy to atleast remember this once in a lifetime event that comes to every girl. I’ll be happy to celebrate it with the people that stayed by me through everything within my 18 years of existence. Also, I want to see myself do something different and this will be my very first step and I know it will motivate me to take bigger step than I did before. To see myself actually grow and became what I have become. To remind myself that I have no more excuse to not be mature about life, I have to start and take responsibility of my own. To remind myself that I am an independent woman now.

That isn’t the main issue though. What is it the torns me to decide? Well, I am out of school for a while now. My batchmates were now three semester ahead of me. So, there is this K-12 program now and the first batch of it starts this year, which means, no first year enrollees; which I am one. Grade 11 students are much expected now. But if I want to atleast catch up on my subject left to complete my one year, I probably have to take summer classes. I am not sure about it still, I am clueless as sh*t and it’s frustrating. I don’t know what to do, it feels like I’m left hanging with no options at all. My current situation is very crucial since I don’t know how it will work for me and with those who has the same problem as mine. If only there is someone that could help me out and give me some push to do something.

I have no idea how much the budget would be but I’m really close to losing my mind. Call me dramatic, but this really is a tough decision to make for me. To think how much permanent damage it will leave once it is done, it’s scary. I don’t want to be disappointed, never again, or I would put all the blame to myself for ruining my own life. We don’t have much money to save me from this so I better make the rightest choice or it will be my forever burden. Kyaaah!! I’m afraid I’m going to mess this one. I pray for the better. God help me!

God, guide me and give me wisdom on how will I handle this kind of situation. Give me a tough heart to be ready for everything. Give me peace of mind to clear my whirlwind thoughts swirling unstoppable. Help me get ready of what will happen in the future. Your will and way, Lord. Only Yours will prevail, all of this rants is nothing when you decide to snap your finger and flaunt your magic in front of us. You are an amazing God. Only You have the power to make every unbelievable happen. God, work for me. Amen.

-LSS
January 18, 2016