Out of the blue, story

N O V 2 1 . 2 0 1 7

Tuesday.

It must be a good day coming back to school- it was supposed to be. While my friends were probably warming up with each other again, here I am, watching movie in marathon. They must have their day started with a good breakfast and a purpose for the day, it wasn’t always that we got the first day that’s not a Monday. Who loves Monday anyway? I do.

While they got out of the bed preparing for school, I was on mine for the whole day. Or not really. I kinda enjoyed my day actually. I gotta watch Captain America for 4 hours, who am I to complain? And other good looking people that wasn’t me. Just kidding! I mean actors, they are fun to watch. While I grabbed my coffee at 10am, I figured my sis and bros leave me no choice to skip breakfast. I have showered a little earlier before warming up my stomach, must have forgotten my favorite time for a meal. There’s just a lot on my mind the moment I opened my eyes this morning. Oh, they were going out again while I stay here. Oh, I can’t be mad I don’t have a word on this situation. Oh no, I have to change clothes (u know) before I make myself a mess, aunt flow just visited me after two months. Oh, I think the history will repeat again (soon). The history I never want to go over again. Ever.

So while I sipped on a coffee with my hair on a braid just about to dry, I scrolled through the movies our laptop have. The charger is brand new, it’s just about this time we got our hands back to this thing. I’m thankful just now. I always thought that the money spent for this could have help me on my school expenses instead, guess that was just my selfishness speaking. Moving on, the list weren’t many but they are the ones I haven’t seen before, I should be good.

So these are my choices and you can’t judge me for this:

Best in me

The Ant-Man

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)

Captain America: Civil War (2016)

Romance to Action-Comedy to Avengers to I don’t know. They just happened to be pointed by the cursor, I guess. No, I actually planned watching Best in me since yesterday after Tomorrow’s Land but I got no time. Today was perfect and I had the Ant-Man preview too that made me interested so I went in. It was pretty good, I thought it’s gonna be my fave Marvel Movie… until I saw Captain America. Damn, that dude was hot (I can’t literally imagine my self saying this, sounds funny to me) I am never really into this kind of movie but when it’s on my face, I don’t really mind. I liked the scenes more than the story but yeah, I skipped the CA first part wherein it shows how he began and all. No, I take it back, I think I liked the story too- friendship is a big deal. So, I am just glad I’d be sleeping knowing I never regretted being useless today because… Captain America. Yeah, I’m pretty much into him, I’m obviously on his team!

I’ll tell you something else that is funny. After the coffee, I realized I’m gonna be dehydrated if I kept going like this for the whole day. So why not bring something with me, I got no popcorn (I realized it just now, made me sad) I got myself a water and this is what I think about me: ‘Spending my day binge-watching whatever with a glass in hand pretending it was a wine or something but it actually tastes nothing- just water. I know, low budget rebellion is what it is.’

I actually had that noted upon realizing so I could put it in this entry. I was funny like that. Pathetically funny.

THAT IS ALL FELLAS, I HOPE YOU DON’T MIND A DAY IN MY LIFE UPDATE. NO BIGGIE JUST PURE BLABBERING AND CORNY JOKES AND UNNECESSARY SIDE COMMENTS. SUIT UP!– I MEAN SUIT YOUR SELF. (You see that, Captain America, hehe)

xx

l e a n a

Advertisements
Out of the blue, story

N O V . 9 2 0 1 7

Thursday.

I’m in the middle of the sembreak and I have been doing nothing particularly fun. If reading a novel a day is fun, then I guess at least I’m having one.

Somehow I couldn’t seem to put my life back together and feel better while I’m trying to make it through, you know surviving life. I always thought I have it figured out. Months ago I was walking and knowing I am capable of being anything I always wanted to be or should be, for the matter. But I guess I was wrong, I always am.

Looking back to my life almost 3 years ago, as I scroll through my journal, I thought I never want to stand on that position again. The 16 year old me sound so sad and lonely. Nowadays, I felt her creeping up inside me again, she’s peeking and I’m doing my best not to let her in.

When I look through the list of journals I wrote years back with intermittent intervals in between 3 years. I seemed really hopeless but it was me on that very time. That time seem perfect and I am able to express my emotions. But most of them were the times I was heavyhearted. And I wished I wrote more when I was really ecstatic or just about my out-of-the-blue realizations and spur of the moment happiness.

I honestly thought on writing about those things and I tried but when you’re at it, it would look so unnecessary. Although, just now, I realized that my future self would not mind reading those stuff. At this point, I’d gladly look back on those that I don’t regret of doing and just about pure bliss and happiness. I wished I didn’t overlooked them and let it bypass. I cling to my sorrow longer than my delight.

And just like that, my words began to sway with the wind as it lost in the sky. I wonder when will I see them again.

Out of the blue, story

She’s trying, you know

Despite all the contradictions of what she believed she can do, she wants to see how capable she is if she tried.

How many times had she fell down from her high expectations? How many times had she disappoint people around her? How many times had she lost hope? Faith? Herself?

She lost count.

She often forget what her goal is, what she really wants. She often ask herself if there is really something she is passionate about. All her life, she get no answer.

But that does not really stop her, no, those low scores on her papers don’t. Not even the fact that someone she knew continuously achieve what she also wants for herself. No. No matter how much pressure her parents put on her shoulder won’t make her stop. Because she believe that if she keeps on trying, she will succeed.

Atleast, that is what she believed.

Most of the time she was unsure of what she’s really doing. She doubt her decision before seeing the outcome. Although how much she hates when things got out of hand, she manage to face the risks.

She hates seeing everything fell down before her eyes but she realized that it is the only thing she could do at that unfortunate time. But she managed, she can manage.

She is not exactly, you know, optimistic; she tried to be one but it’s not really suits her best. She has her worst times because she struggles and that is normal.

She is just the girl who goes on even with her eyes close.

She knows how life works and she’s fine with that. She is fine despite the unfairness and cruelty of reality. She knows how happiness can sometimes last the moment you least expect it, so she learned to grasp every chance she has.

Because everything is worth a try, she always put in her mind.

She do not trust anyone when they say that she is beautiful. While she could not see the good in her, she know better than to give up. And I think that is the best quality about her.

Always sees that failure are one step to victory. 
– L S S

APRIL 10, 2017 | MONDAY

Inspire, Out of the blue

Self love

Dear self,
There are tons of things you should be doing right now but your mind do not want to operate so you opt for what you think could calm it a bit. 

Write a little something that will make you feel good about your shitty self. And guess what, it happens all the time but even writing do not seem to be working anymore. How many drafts were in your trash bin that was long forgotten because after 3 sentences, every ideas vanishes. 

What is the accurate feeling of your unspoken mind? You never figure out. Isn’t horrible? Nope, it’s more than that. 
While there are indeed tons of things you need to accomplish at the moment like school stuffs- I want to remind you of the things you NEED to stop doing. ASAP. 

1. I want you to stop overthinking. First things first. Everything I would say would fall into this category because there is so much in your mind that is affecting your physical aura that you are unaware of. Stop the what if’s and just live the life. 

2. I want you to stop letting your friends affect your perspective in a bad way. You have your fair perception you made yourself, so don’t let them bother yours with them. There is no wrong with the friendship as long as their idea wouldn’t kill you.  
3. Stop comparing. Your life is the way it is because it should be like it. It should never be like those that you saw on others with your naked eye. Because you know what? You deserve more than that. Believe me. 
4. Stop controlling the things out of your hands. I hope you figure out that once you let things be, that is when you will find happiness. Adjust your mindset and focus only on all what you have. 
5. Stop mourning over petty things. Just because your hair does not turned out how you want it to be, you get to ruin your whole day. I hope you see that there is more than the looks you try to rock. Appreciate compliments and consider yourself lucky every time you get one. You’re way prettier that you’ll ever realize. 

6. Stop the messy life, declutter. There are so many ways to do this, even Youtube can help you. You’ve binge-watch shows on there, spend it on more useful videos and teach yourself. Life hacks, 101 Tips, remind yourself that you will only consider the rational ones. Internet sometimes is confusing. 
7. Stop complaining. Be grateful. Scenarios in your mind are bound to be destructive, that is when you’ll start seeing life differently and unappreciatively to what is really happening. Simple things matters. Remember, it was your mantra long ago. Smile on the things that bothers you and thank that you are actually making a progress little by little. You will get through whatever your situation you’re in. Kick ass and be optimistic.

There is more in life. Keep your head up and don’t get tired on expecting good things. Life is full of surprises. You can do it, girl!
Love you ❤️

-LSS | February 22, 2017

Out of the blue

Sad

I’m sad. 

No. I’m really sad. 

It could be anything until I put a word on it. It makes difference. You know, when you are certain of your feeling. Because, for the record- i never was. 

The reason of the feeling? I don’t really know. It was when there is nothing going on, I am this.

It was when I can’t make my self speak, I am this. And all I can ever do is write it down. Like today. But most of the time, I delete them afterwards. Because all I do was rant. And my rants were senseless and pointless. 

It was when something little bothers my mind, I am this. 

I’m a mess. But I’m silent. 

It’s the silence that suffocates me, not my favorite one. 

I am sad because my heart felt really heavy and I don’t know why. 

I don’t like how my family look at me because I could just see a glimpse of disappointment in them. Whether it is just me, but that is what I see. I hate my eyes. 

I don’t like sitting alone, because it makes me think how pathetic I look like on someone’s perspective and thought, why am I alone in the first place. 

I don’t like being dismissed. When I have a question, means I would love you to feed my curiousity. Because curiousity kills and I am not a cat with nine lives. 

I don’t like making my self laugh when I am not really happy. It feels like I’m digging myself deeper on the hole I am currently in. It’s not beautiful in here. 

Please help me out. 

Or, should I do it myself?

Yeah. 

Don’t worry. 

Well, i’m just sad. 

And everything that I said, does not really make sense to you. 

LSS | December 4,2016 

Out of the blue

She does not want to be saved

I was in silence, feeling the whispers of the wind in my ear, dancing with them is my hair as it lands in my face.

Then, I heard the sobs of the sky.

I opened my eyes, it’s getting gray. I never heard it in a while and it breaks my heart. Not because I missed it but I realized that here she is again. What is it this time?

I extended my hand, are you alright? Water droplets greet my arms, I felt the liquid in my eyes.

I was crying… and so is she.

“What is it this time?” I asked. She said nothing as she let down her hair knotted in a bun. The rain… it’s pouring hard now.

I abruptly went to the shed to prevent myself from getting wet, but she stayed. Just standing there, her hair down and shoulders slumped.

I called her to join me at the shed, she raised her head up and looked at me. She smiled and was about to step forward but then she looked behind. There comes the much stronger storm. Looking back at me, she get something from behind her.

She got an umbrella, a small unsteady umbrella. Opening it like it’s her armor. I was confused, I frowned at her. She is now facing the storm and is getting in its way.

The storm came.

Shattering sound was heard, harsh blown wind was felt.

It stopped. And there she is.

The umbrella was by her side like it’s long forgotten, out of its form and other accesories was out of sight.

Her hair still down and shoulder still slumped. She picked up the umbrella, closed it then put it back in her back.

The sun was showing up, the wind is getting lighter.

I stepped outside the shed, she was still in the distance, now fixing her hair and clothes.

I came up to help her.

Two more steps. I extended my hand, trying to reach her.

But I can’t, she looked so vulnerable. I can’t, she was so far away.
She is so far away.
She looked back at me, she was smiling.

She started to walk away, leaving the words that is so simple but seems so complex. But then, I let her, I let her be. She would come back anyway.

She always do.

“I’m fine.”

-LSS
August 2016

Out of the blue

Tiring

Check out @PoemPorns’s Tweet: https://twitter.com/PoemPorns/status/710375312190734336?s=09

I can’t put it into words. Guess I’m never good at it anyway. But I stumble into this one from twitter. Words struck and it home. Yes, I am tired and not just because of lack of sleep, from everything. I need rest, it’s not the one you can get over night. I need time. But I don’t want to waste one… again, I’m lost.

-LSS
MARCH 17, 2016 | 7:56 PM | WED

Out of the blue

Unknown

She watches from afar
Waiting there patiently
She didn’t know when she’ll be ready
So she stood just firm and steady

She keeps her mouth shut
Her eyes open
She hears you, not forgetting  a word
Never because it stuck on her
And it stays there

She streches her arms
Longing, reaching
She didn’t grasp a hold
She failed… once again.

She stood there patiently waiting
Doing nothing
Staring blankly
When will she ever be ready?

Others are living her dreams
She sees them
She wishes she’s there too
Sharing the same stage with that others

She can never do anything
It wasn’t the time yet
That’s what she thinks, atleast
Creating her own clock which she herself set

She is not able
So she just stood there… steady
Blankly stares
She lets the numbness take her in
She closed her eyes
And the darkness took over
She heard gushes and whispers
She’s feeling everything all at once.
Sadness–envy–disappointment
And suddenly, she’s liking it.
She’s liking it there.
Satisfaction.

-LSS
MARCH 13,2016 | 1:11 AM | SUNDAY

Out of the blue

Never mind this

Stressing myself over things that will never happen.

Damn midnight thoughts.

I always find myself imagining scenarios that is far from being possible. As much as I try diverting it to something much more realistic. smh

I wish my sleeping habit go back to its normal pattern.

Almost more than a hundred days left.

Right. HAHAHAHA

My night couldn’t get any better. My back aches so is my… heart. lolol

My eyes are tired as hell but I can’t keep them close still.

My eyes are tired but my mind just won’t stop working wth can you shut down?!

Time check: 1:29 AM

I was trying to sleep 4 hours ago. wow. ive gone so faaaarrr

I asked myself why I can’t sleep.and my heart answered: ‘You slept in the afternoon bish dont act like youre inlove!’. Touche.

But most of the time it is because I spent half of my day on cp. I am very productive.

I can’t understand.

They want me to do things where my heart aint ready for, yet.

It is a must but I always refuse. I need more time.

Lost soul.

I should help bc they are in need but their needs are mine’s too. What to do?

Prayers unanswerded.

Everytime I do something that is outdoor, whether its big or small; for me it was a HUGE achievement for the day.. if not, for a week.

I am now 25% Human and 75%… preservatives.

I miss the sun and the moon and the stars and the pollution. ye.

My daily routine: …..

Was listening to a music and it brought me to planet numkempot where it will invade your imaginations.

My imaginations are making me cringe and its not even rated r.

It was me on particular day of a particular time.

What shampoo should I use? My head always itch and my hair is getting thin.

10 years later: wow Im still on my phone.

awake.hardly alive.unenthusiastic.

Yes I am.

Sleep: Error 404

Byeeeee
No. of try: nth

*
Dear self,
   It’s hard to understand you, I know. Your dilemma here is so deep. I can’t even! WTH Hope you remember what are the shts you talking about here. adios.

Ps. its almost two. basically Made in the AM. see what i did there? Ha!
Pps. bc u watched so much vids of harry s earlier. sheezzz

Inspire, Out of the blue

Two cents

Just because you took longer than the others doesn’t mean you failed.

This quote hit me really hard that lead me to put my thoughts into this… by words. For now, that is how I deal with things, especially with personal ones. Dealing with your emotions isn’t easy nor controlling it. Thus, you find ways to settle it and hope to cope up. By any means, writing have been my medium.

How do you know that you are being left out?

..or are you even left out?

We never know. We might thought but we never know. If you think you do, it was just you. Sometimes, ‘time’ is telling us otherwise.

Was ‘time’ became our basis of when, who and what is being left out?

Why do we always have to watch our ‘time’?

We should not. We must not.

Time sometimes measures life. Yes it does, but we don’t always have to lean with what the time is saying.

“If you are measuring life, you are not living it. “- Mitch Albom (Time Keeper)

You watch your clock to check for time. What if you learned it stopped sometime later that day? Your time passed but not your life.
We can even set up our clock according to our choices. It could be on advance or late. Just like how you decide on working a certain project, do it later or as early as you want.
People have different time zone and it was up to them on how they set up their clock. It was up to the place they belong. And as I am saying this, I realized, there is no such EXACT TIME. None. If the time is according to their places, then wait for your time till it is in your place.
When it is already your time, it will be placed.

Just like how people get achievements. It may be late or advance. But could we really say it that way? Because if there is no exact time then there is no late nor advance. Right?

Apparently, he achieved a particular thing because it was his ‘time’. He set his time up according to how he wants but he never got that achievement because he wanted. I mean, it was given right? He acts upon his desires, he plan and aim for it but He is the One who decides. God gave that to him. Therefore, only God, gives time. Only God has the perfect time.

I, is currently experiencing it myself. Why my simple question turned out this deep? I do not know.
I am not into the idea of being left out because first, who is?
And now that I am seeing my friends that is my age, taking a leap ahead of me is something that triggers me to question my life.
I question every single aspect of current happenings. Then I realized, I am only stressing myself with all these.
We just have to wait. Passing days might pressure you but don’t worry. Everything will fall into place.

Something bigger and something much more you deserve is what He has in stored for you. Just be patient.

Who knows, one day God surprise you with what you have been praying for in front of your face. He can do it with just a snap of His fingers, so, who knows?

©
splxxnx | January 5, 2016 | 4:30 PM |Monday|