Torn Between

Guess what’s happening 99 days from now? IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! So who’s excited? ME? …Not exactly.

I was supposed to do this on an exact hundred days before my big day. But who am I kidding; aside from me being forgetful, time really do fly so fast. Big day… I never really stress myself everytime about this but this year is different. I am about to meet my legalization age. Yes, I’m 18 and still a sore loser.
I never thought that turning 18 would be this mind-boggling and emotionally-tiring. It’s getting nearer and I still do not have anything on my plate up to now. So many things to consider on planning and I can’t help but over analyze each of them. I think this celebration would be anything but elegant and classy. I want to make simple and mild. No extravagant designs, cakes, gown and venue. We couldn’t afford it anyway. But I’ll be happy to atleast remember this once in a lifetime event that comes to every girl. I’ll be happy to celebrate it with the people that stayed by me through everything within my 18 years of existence. Also, I want to see myself do something different and this will be my very first step and I know it will motivate me to take bigger step than I did before. To see myself actually grow and became what I have become. To remind myself that I have no more excuse to not be mature about life, I have to start and take responsibility of my own. To remind myself that I am an independent woman now.

That isn’t the main issue though. What is it the torns me to decide? Well, I am out of school for a while now. My batchmates were now three semester ahead of me. So, there is this K-12 program now and the first batch of it starts this year, which means, no first year enrollees; which I am one. Grade 11 students are much expected now. But if I want to atleast catch up on my subject left to complete my one year, I probably have to take summer classes. I am not sure about it still, I am clueless as sh*t and it’s frustrating. I don’t know what to do, it feels like I’m left hanging with no options at all. My current situation is very crucial since I don’t know how it will work for me and with those who has the same problem as mine. If only there is someone that could help me out and give me some push to do something.

I have no idea how much the budget would be but I’m really close to losing my mind. Call me dramatic, but this really is a tough decision to make for me. To think how much permanent damage it will leave once it is done, it’s scary. I don’t want to be disappointed, never again, or I would put all the blame to myself for ruining my own life. We don’t have much money to save me from this so I better make the rightest choice or it will be my forever burden. Kyaaah!! I’m afraid I’m going to mess this one. I pray for the better. God help me!

God, guide me and give me wisdom on how will I handle this kind of situation. Give me a tough heart to be ready for everything. Give me peace of mind to clear my whirlwind thoughts swirling unstoppable. Help me get ready of what will happen in the future. Your will and way, Lord. Only Yours will prevail, all of this rants is nothing when you decide to snap your finger and flaunt your magic in front of us. You are an amazing God. Only You have the power to make every unbelievable happen. God, work for me. Amen.

January 18, 2016


Tell Your Story

We can never tell time and chances. Time has never been considerate ever since I met him. He’s like, you do your thing and I do mine. As everything move continuously while we at some time were struck or trapped of a particular thing, passing through it wasn’t easy. How could you run after things that got passed you and left you behind? We have many choices on how we prefer to live our lives.

You just have to be wise and endure all of it. Until everything take its place, atleast, on how you view and want it to be.
Life is a crazy journey. We have to handle our emotions well. Joy and sadness… then there is depression.

First week. Everytime you look around, everything seems so wrong. You can’t have a glimpse of goodness even on its smallest form. You gather your thoughts but all you ever come up is regrets and disappointments. You think everything and everyone is unfair. That life is unfair. You are being driven in a road full of confusion and hatred. Because that is the only thing that you can ever come up; negative emotions.

Second week. As much as you wanted to make everything right, it always lead you to why you can’t change it. You keep telling your self that there is still a chance, that you can do something to turn your life back around. But all that is offered to you was nothing, it was empty. 

Three months. Envy. Imaginations and illusions. These are what invaded your head mostly. Past months are torture and so is your ideal conclusions of your current life situation. You are hopeless and helpless. Hard headed and dark hearted. Numb and snob. Attitudes everywhere. You became unpredictable. Give it to you that you are hurt, but you drown yourself too much, young lady.

Seven months. Depression. You are eaten up by your own emotions. You are once again cracked and left alone. You felt nothing but grief. You are in desperate need of answers. You are almost giving in that you wanted to end everything. Self-pity.

… but you know that there is still something inside you, your deeper and inner self, there is hope and lost soul. Lost soul that you want to find. Lost soul that keeps crying out, she wanted to be free; free from the darkness she is in.

You meditate. You begin to see the smallest of things, the grains of every seeds. You see the worth of the unworthy. You find happiness in the simpliest things. Because that is all what left, little things. That is all you have. And it’s not that bad.

You know that you can remain as calm as this long enough. Enough to endure all the misery kept behind you. Enough until this is all over. Enough to make you last.

All smiles. All right. Seems normal for me. Seems okay. Seems legit.

However, there are days that the clouds are black. You can’t help it, so you let it be and pass by. Ridiculous!

You are able to survive the everyday life tragedies, then who cares about who and what is pretending. Life became your game. You play the game.

Whenever you see beautiful vibe into something. You know it’s a great feeling. That is why you are all eyes on what surrounds you. You crave that great feeling. You want that feeling. It’s a familiar and missed kind of feeling. It’s nauseating you in a good kind of way.

As you roam your eyes around, you can’t pretend like you never see facts that you kept shrugging. It bothers you somehow. And somehow brings back the feelings you locked behind long time ago. Years back, you’d be mourning by now but does frowning and stoned face consider as an improvement? Maybe yes, but not really. Reality is slapping you in the face and you don’t care.

Days flying quick, months kicking in, how long has it been since? Throughout it all, what are the changes I manage to do? Baby steps and slow walks are what I’ve been doing since I forgot my goals and my footsteps behind me and lost. How long has I been struggling to answer questions that I can’t even bear to hear. How long has it been watching my friends from afar? How long has it been since I left myself somewhere in the midst of the dark woods. How long has it been since I lost my soul? How long has it been that I became a lost soul?

Two years? That is such a short time for someone. But I am not that someone. Those years have been flips and turns for me. Within those years, I’ve been a stranger. And I don’t know until when will I be one.

But those two years were a wonderful ride. There are lessons you learned and things you improved. Discoveries and memories are what made those years worthy. Worth living for even if it has been difficult. Despite all those circumstances and sudden changes, there is one thing you never stop doing: wishing and praying.

For that one day wherein: you will be able to see all the justice to everything that had happened, you will be able to respond to all the phrases you once thought of saying “I wish I could say the same” and to be able to say or scream rather, FINALLY!

So don’t stop waiting. It will be given, when it is the right time. Prayers are powerful, just be faithful.

Life is never fair. You tell your stories, but never end it. Remember that once you reach the plot, that is when things are getting better. It is not the end yet.

Not yet…

12:36 Am| January 11, 2016|

Out of the blue

Never mind this

Stressing myself over things that will never happen.

Damn midnight thoughts.

I always find myself imagining scenarios that is far from being possible. As much as I try diverting it to something much more realistic. smh

I wish my sleeping habit go back to its normal pattern.

Almost more than a hundred days left.


My night couldn’t get any better. My back aches so is my… heart. lolol

My eyes are tired as hell but I can’t keep them close still.

My eyes are tired but my mind just won’t stop working wth can you shut down?!

Time check: 1:29 AM

I was trying to sleep 4 hours ago. wow. ive gone so faaaarrr

I asked myself why I can’t sleep.and my heart answered: ‘You slept in the afternoon bish dont act like youre inlove!’. Touche.

But most of the time it is because I spent half of my day on cp. I am very productive.

I can’t understand.

They want me to do things where my heart aint ready for, yet.

It is a must but I always refuse. I need more time.

Lost soul.

I should help bc they are in need but their needs are mine’s too. What to do?

Prayers unanswerded.

Everytime I do something that is outdoor, whether its big or small; for me it was a HUGE achievement for the day.. if not, for a week.

I am now 25% Human and 75%… preservatives.

I miss the sun and the moon and the stars and the pollution. ye.

My daily routine: …..

Was listening to a music and it brought me to planet numkempot where it will invade your imaginations.

My imaginations are making me cringe and its not even rated r.

It was me on particular day of a particular time.

What shampoo should I use? My head always itch and my hair is getting thin.

10 years later: wow Im still on my phone.

awake.hardly alive.unenthusiastic.

Yes I am.

Sleep: Error 404

No. of try: nth

Dear self,
   It’s hard to understand you, I know. Your dilemma here is so deep. I can’t even! WTH Hope you remember what are the shts you talking about here. adios.

Ps. its almost two. basically Made in the AM. see what i did there? Ha!
Pps. bc u watched so much vids of harry s earlier. sheezzz

Inspire, Out of the blue

Two cents

Just because you took longer than the others doesn’t mean you failed.

This quote hit me really hard that lead me to put my thoughts into this… by words. For now, that is how I deal with things, especially with personal ones. Dealing with your emotions isn’t easy nor controlling it. Thus, you find ways to settle it and hope to cope up. By any means, writing have been my medium.

How do you know that you are being left out?

..or are you even left out?

We never know. We might thought but we never know. If you think you do, it was just you. Sometimes, ‘time’ is telling us otherwise.

Was ‘time’ became our basis of when, who and what is being left out?

Why do we always have to watch our ‘time’?

We should not. We must not.

Time sometimes measures life. Yes it does, but we don’t always have to lean with what the time is saying.

“If you are measuring life, you are not living it. “- Mitch Albom (Time Keeper)

You watch your clock to check for time. What if you learned it stopped sometime later that day? Your time passed but not your life.
We can even set up our clock according to our choices. It could be on advance or late. Just like how you decide on working a certain project, do it later or as early as you want.
People have different time zone and it was up to them on how they set up their clock. It was up to the place they belong. And as I am saying this, I realized, there is no such EXACT TIME. None. If the time is according to their places, then wait for your time till it is in your place.
When it is already your time, it will be placed.

Just like how people get achievements. It may be late or advance. But could we really say it that way? Because if there is no exact time then there is no late nor advance. Right?

Apparently, he achieved a particular thing because it was his ‘time’. He set his time up according to how he wants but he never got that achievement because he wanted. I mean, it was given right? He acts upon his desires, he plan and aim for it but He is the One who decides. God gave that to him. Therefore, only God, gives time. Only God has the perfect time.

I, is currently experiencing it myself. Why my simple question turned out this deep? I do not know.
I am not into the idea of being left out because first, who is?
And now that I am seeing my friends that is my age, taking a leap ahead of me is something that triggers me to question my life.
I question every single aspect of current happenings. Then I realized, I am only stressing myself with all these.
We just have to wait. Passing days might pressure you but don’t worry. Everything will fall into place.

Something bigger and something much more you deserve is what He has in stored for you. Just be patient.

Who knows, one day God surprise you with what you have been praying for in front of your face. He can do it with just a snap of His fingers, so, who knows?

splxxnx | January 5, 2016 | 4:30 PM |Monday|