W E D N E S D A Y
Hola! Isang entry nanaman para sa pusong nasaktan. Ayan sinabi ko na, ang first step to moving on daw kasi ay ACCEPTANCE. Ewan ko ba? Hindi naman dapat ina-acknowledge yung mga ganitong bagay. Pero dahil hindi na ma-take ng puso kong pagod na tumibok (muntik ng tumibok) sa mga maling tao, I’m here again friends. My favorite medium to let this all out.
Isang nakaka aliw (nope) na “sanay na ako” on the outside pero “pucha heto nanaman” on the inside, scenario.
(Disclaimer: hindi sa akin ang phrase, nabasa ko lang sa fb: natuwa, sinulat)
Pang-ilan ko na ba ‘to? Hindi ko na yata mabilang, pero siguro ayos pa rin ako kasi tagalog pa din yung entry ko (lol). Hindi ako yung tipo ng babae na ligawin pero in fairness, lokohin naman. Meron sigurong placard sa noo ko na, “Marupok to, pagtripan niyo pa ko.” Hindi man sila marami, hindi rin naman nauubos. Ilang beses na ba nangyari yung ganito, let me count the ways:
1. Freshman high school (maaga lumandi, don’t worry, matagal bago umulit). Niligawan ng kababata sa elem school na crush na-galing-sa-break up thru text, bumigay. Dahil bata pa si inday at first time magkajowa, gusto secret. Ito namang si guy, sanay sa jowang lantaran. Na-fall sa chickboy, tsk. Pagkatapos ng apat na gabi ng i love you’s narealize niyang hindi worth it si inday, binalikan yung ex. Sandali nagka holding hands, bumilang ng tatlong nakaw na halik sa pisngi, hindi na nakamove on ng mahigit tatlong taon. Narealize ko ngayon, di naman gwapo si boy. Siguro pinanghawakan ko lang masyado yung muntikan kong first date na pinagtakpang ipaalam, buti nalang hindi natuloy. Kasi shems, I will never live on that memory. Have I told you guys na naging kami nung araw ng mga puso? Yep, happy valentine’s day. Pero wala akong natanggap na flowers nun.
2. Senior high school (I told you, natuto si inday). Brainy si ate girl this time, matagal naman na but dito lang nag shine. May malaking group of friends kaya hindi maiiwasan yung love teams. Syempre meron si ate girl, balita ko nga, yung iba palihim pa. Dahil itong si boy#2 ang malakas kay pressy, siya ang pinush na escort ni inday (nope, hindi kami officer) Torpe si boy when I’m around kaya ayun umasa sa friends of friends at anonymous letters. Minsan naguusap sa text pero madalang sa personal. Na-fall ng very light sa good morning sms at gentleman ways pero again, walang nangyari. Malabo kasi, magkaiba ng religion at pati yata diyalekto. Wala akong matandaan na nagusap kami ng matagal, hindi nga siya sakin makatingin sa mata. Ang lakas niya magclaim sakin na kahit best friend ko na best friend niya pinagseselosan pa. Dahil mahaba ang hair ko, nagaway sila pero hindi suntukan (mababait ang boys ko). Gumamit pa ng ibang babae para masabing hindi lang ako ang babae para todo magpabebe. Wala naman talaga siyang ginawang effort para i-approach ako eh. Siguro nagustuhan ko lang yung IDEA NA GUSTO NIYA AKO. Hindi nag end ang awkward relationship namin nung graduation kasi sunod-sunod na events after nun. May palitan pa din ng holiday at birthday greetings. Isa nga pala siya sa 18 roses ko. Yun lang.
3. College (walang year kasi kahit ako di ko alam, irreg student). If I’m not mistaken, nangyari ito before ako bumalik ulit sa schooling. Dahil tengga si Inday, surfing the net lang sports at bahay lang ang tambayan. Like dito, like doon. Hindi ko namalayan fan na pala ako nung dating crush ng friend ko from hs. Ayun edi napansin niyang liker ako ng posts niya. Hindi ko naman inexpect na pro na pala sa mga linyahan, chinat at naexcite naman si bakla. Medyo na kokonsensya pa nga ko kasi best friend ko maagrabyado. We take crushes seriously, charot. It was a long time ago for my bestie and nakuwento ko na sakanya to. Dalawang gabi ako ininterview ni boy#3 at nung napansin niya sa ikatlong araw na ako ay isang pader na hindi magpapagiba, tumigil siya. Sineen at inunfriend ako. What do I mean? Hindi ako nagpatinag sa mabubulaklak niyang salita. Una, hindi ako nainform na namumukhaan niya ako from hs. Next, para sa totoong heart broken (siya) ang bilis niya magopen sa iba. Isa pa, bilis niya ah, gusto agad pumayag ako magpaligaw eh never naman nagkrus landas namin nung hs. Lastly, psych student siya at medyo nafall ako sa psychotic approach niya into me. Ano daw? Basta ayun. Bakit siya counted? I let him talk to me about things I would not openly tell someone.
4. College (just a month after number 3). This boy is from my senior hs classmate ulit, ganun kaliit ang social circle ko that time. (Nag improve lang ngayon kasi 3rd yr ko na sa college) Dahil malapit na ang birthday ni ate girl that time, kinontak na lahat ng kakilala para mapunan yung lahat ng 18 sa listahan. Dahil pa-pretty girl, maingat siya sa pagyaya sa mga dances. Unfortunately, may isang sumabit. Habang siniset-up ko ang bestie ko sa bestie niya, gusto rin ni boy#4 na magclick kaming dalawa. I am good friends with this guy since hs and I never knew that he liked me way back then. Edi todo promote ng self niya siya sa akin (ang labo ba?), ako naman si pader na di magiba, lagi ang sagot ‘not now’. Ewan ko ba, hindi ko mahanap ang will to be available ko that time (and until now). Edi he said that he will wait and he pursue me unstoppably on fb but after I left his last message as seen one day, I never heard from him. Until after a week, I learned na he was back again with his ex-gf. After all those panunuyo and kind words, I WAS ALMOST A REBOUND. Muntik na, nako. Anyway, wise decision minsan ang maging di magibang pader. So… yung last msg niya nga pala is, good night baby.
Malapit na akong gumraduate pero wala pa din akong love life. Well, ayun talaga ang usapan namin ng kuya. Pero minsan nakakabother na yung feeling na hindi ko na nga maabot yung quota ng dean’s lister, pati ba naman yung cut off para maging potential girlfriend? Sobra naman po ata yun.
So, bumalik ako sa school nun ng walang bagaheng mabigat dahil nangako ako sa sarili ko na magiging free spirited at independent woman ako ngayong college.
And I failed, I am dependent sa friends na na gain ko (no regrets) and maraming nagsasabi na parang ang hirap ko daw i-approach. Sige, ano pang mali?! Kidding aside, I don’t want to be that girl na laging nasa sulok at nagmumukmok kaya I changed my college lifestyle. Sinubukan ko ulit i open ang aking arms to more opportunities like accepting friend request na kahit di ko knows basta taga Nu, accept agad. I learned the hard way na eh, classmate ko na pala dinideadma ko pa. Hindi magandang aura yun girl.
Edi accept na fb requests si ate girl, may sumubok ulit gumiba pero hindi nagpabaya. Tagal ko kaya ginawa yan. Una, halata naman playtime lang for short time mga yun kaya no thanks nalang. But kasabay ng pag accept syempre may inadd din si ate mo girl.
5. Si boy#5, second year college ko yata siya naging bet. (Long term lagi crushes ko) From college of engineering, mechanical major. Course palang ang appeal na, pano pa nung nalaman ko dean’s lister pa? (Inggit ate mo girl) so ayun may kambal siya. First ko talaga yun naging crush since ka-college ko yun and I remember him when we were enrolling, sabay kami lagi sa pila but we never talked. Until I met engr (pet name ko sakanya hihi). NO WE DON’T MET PALA. We just saw each other somewhere sa school, I’m not even sure kung kilala na niya ako. But guess what, I find him first on Instagram and followed him. Well, he followed me back, I know, very much expected. (I had it screenshot and it’s been a year ago). After a couple of months and a couple of kasabay sa elevator did I added him on fb. Minsan I fooled myself by thinking na he’s walking pabalik balik in front of me para magpapansin kasi if you are friends with my friends, ewan ko nalang kung di ka mapansin ng crush mo. Maybe he knew me as someone who’s into him and want to prove something to himself. I’m good at pretending I’m ok in the outside naman kaya I think na all this time, I’ve been keeping a straight face. Until just recently, I didn’t expect to be with him on a seminar. He was literally behind my seat. That was the closest time I was ever to him. Happiest day, I even heard him talk for 3 minutes and that was freaking long. He was talking about their proposed product but I didn’t really listen, I was busy admiring him. Though after that day, he greeted someone on Ig with heart emoji (which is very unlikely of his usual posts) and a comment implying that he like the girl. Which is heartbreaking of course. Pero he still do his antics whenever I’m around and I know, I’m so assumera. Whatever, until I haven’t found a new potential crush, he still topped my list. Iba pa rin kasi yung effect niya sakin when he is around, kilig talaga. Even though,
6. Boy#6 confuses me to the utmost level. Present, college, 3rd year level. Dahilan kung bakit may ganitong entry. I met this guy just this year. Classmate ko sa dalawang subject at dahil trip ako ng tadhana, magkatabi pa sa upuan. Hindi pa yata siya masaya kaya ginawa pa kaming magkagrupo. Masyadong mahaba kung ikukuwento ko mula umpisa. Basta he gave me extra attention that made me extra careful and extra assumera. Feeling ko may sparks, may something between his words and actions. Which made him different from the others, with actions na kasi. Alam mo yun, pinafeel sayong special ka. Pero joke time lang pala. This time, I thought baka ito na, I was almost ready to break down the di magiba wall by myself. Almost. After he thought borrowing my things is fun just to have a reason to chat me and keep them for himself. After carrying my bag for me, after keeping his eye on me and asking thoughtful questions showing he cared, after staying by my side in every group discussion and during the whole week of event. Tell me nag assume lang ako, after always catching my eyes to whisper what you want to say because you were across the room, you never do that with anyone, madami tayo that time. Ok, nag assume ako. Kasi after that night, I was almost excited to see you the next school day but we were too exhausted from the event we had a long weekend to take a break. I was thankful to have that, to sort my feelings out and thoroughly analyze the pros and cons. You text me the next day, implying your departure for your Ilocos trip even after drinking alcohol last night. I replied implying that you should take care. I wish you didn’t have to do those things, implying everything. Ok nag assume ako kasi when you get back, I thought we’re good but you made friends with all our other classmate, you do not have to pay me all your attention, they had you. But you made sure not to lose me, I still had you. Until one night, I have our mutual friends with me on our way home, I felt drained from all the school works and lectures because I was there since morning. Di ko alam na hindi lang ako uuwi ng pagod, broken hearted pa. We saw you… with a girl beside you. I knew you with a lot of girl friends, that was fine. But it was different this time, you came from a date. I was almost sure I looked tired but I managed to smile. While walking back home, I expected you would text me. You did, and you have to rub it in me that you had dinner with that girl. I can’t even think how to reply, so I left our conversation with our exchanged joke. Ok I get it. We were living on a different page. Nag assume nga lang ako.
PERO, dahil tanga si ate girl, I still helped you and ditch my class in the middle of discussion just to come get you, the school guard won’t let you in without an Id lace. Never ka nag complete uniform, ewan ko sayo. Naiinis ako kasi sa ating dalawa, ako lang ang apektado. Pero kahit na makipagusap ka pa sa friend ng nililigawan mo sa harap ko, I won’t show you how affected I am. Kahit na bumanat ka pa ng words na kinahulugan ko dati, I won’t let it happen again. Sawa na kasi ‘to maging option. Madami kasi masyadong choices pero never naman pinili. Ok lang. Ok lang talaga ako. Magiging immune din ako sa presence mo, matagal-tagal pa to since may thesis pa tayo. Pero again, ok lang ako.
Ngayon, let me acknowledge the fact that my feelings was once again rejected. Hoping I wouldn’t have to add another brick on this wall, hoping I could still see the other end of everything then soon,
I promise I will be fine again.
xx,
leana
F E B 2 8 , 2 0 1 8
