W E D N E S D A Y
Hola! Isang entry nanaman para sa pusong nasaktan. Ayan sinabi ko na, ang first step to moving on daw kasi ay ACCEPTANCE. Ewan ko ba? Hindi naman dapat ina-acknowledge yung mga ganitong bagay. Pero dahil hindi na ma-take ng puso kong pagod na tumibok (muntik ng tumibok) sa mga maling tao, I’m here again friends. My favorite medium to let this all out.
Isang nakaka aliw (nope) na “sanay na ako” on the outside pero “pucha heto nanaman” on the inside, scenario.
(Disclaimer: hindi sa akin ang phrase, nabasa ko lang sa fb: natuwa, sinulat)
Pang-ilan ko na ba ‘to? Hindi ko na yata mabilang, pero siguro ayos pa rin ako kasi tagalog pa din yung entry ko (lol). Hindi ako yung tipo ng babae na ligawin pero in fairness, lokohin naman. Meron sigurong placard sa noo ko na, “Marupok to, pagtripan niyo pa ko.” Hindi man sila marami, hindi rin naman nauubos. Ilang beses na ba nangyari yung ganito, let me count the ways:
1. Freshman high school (maaga lumandi, don’t worry, matagal bago umulit). Niligawan ng kababata sa elem school na crush na-galing-sa-break up thru text, bumigay. Dahil bata pa si inday at first time magkajowa, gusto secret. Ito namang si guy, sanay sa jowang lantaran. Na-fall sa chickboy, tsk. Pagkatapos ng apat na gabi ng i love you’s narealize niyang hindi worth it si inday, binalikan yung ex. Sandali nagka holding hands, bumilang ng tatlong nakaw na halik sa pisngi, hindi na nakamove on ng mahigit tatlong taon. Narealize ko ngayon, di naman gwapo si boy. Siguro pinanghawakan ko lang masyado yung muntikan kong first date na pinagtakpang ipaalam, buti nalang hindi natuloy. Kasi shems, I will never live on that memory. Have I told you guys na naging kami nung araw ng mga puso? Yep, happy valentine’s day. Pero wala akong natanggap na flowers nun.
2. Senior high school (I told you, natuto si inday). Brainy si ate girl this time, matagal naman na but dito lang nag shine. May malaking group of friends kaya hindi maiiwasan yung love teams. Syempre meron si ate girl, balita ko nga, yung iba palihim pa. Dahil itong si boy#2 ang malakas kay pressy, siya ang pinush na escort ni inday (nope, hindi kami officer) Torpe si boy when I’m around kaya ayun umasa sa friends of friends at anonymous letters. Minsan naguusap sa text pero madalang sa personal. Na-fall ng very light sa good morning sms at gentleman ways pero again, walang nangyari. Malabo kasi, magkaiba ng religion at pati yata diyalekto. Wala akong matandaan na nagusap kami ng matagal, hindi nga siya sakin makatingin sa mata. Ang lakas niya magclaim sakin na kahit best friend ko na best friend niya pinagseselosan pa. Dahil mahaba ang hair ko, nagaway sila pero hindi suntukan (mababait ang boys ko). Gumamit pa ng ibang babae para masabing hindi lang ako ang babae para todo magpabebe. Wala naman talaga siyang ginawang effort para i-approach ako eh. Siguro nagustuhan ko lang yung IDEA NA GUSTO NIYA AKO. Hindi nag end ang awkward relationship namin nung graduation kasi sunod-sunod na events after nun. May palitan pa din ng holiday at birthday greetings. Isa nga pala siya sa 18 roses ko. Yun lang.
3. College (walang year kasi kahit ako di ko alam, irreg student). If I’m not mistaken, nangyari ito before ako bumalik ulit sa schooling. Dahil tengga si Inday, surfing the net lang sports at bahay lang ang tambayan. Like dito, like doon. Hindi ko namalayan fan na pala ako nung dating crush ng friend ko from hs. Ayun edi napansin niyang liker ako ng posts niya. Hindi ko naman inexpect na pro na pala sa mga linyahan, chinat at naexcite naman si bakla. Medyo na kokonsensya pa nga ko kasi best friend ko maagrabyado. We take crushes seriously, charot. It was a long time ago for my bestie and nakuwento ko na sakanya to. Dalawang gabi ako ininterview ni boy#3 at nung napansin niya sa ikatlong araw na ako ay isang pader na hindi magpapagiba, tumigil siya. Sineen at inunfriend ako. What do I mean? Hindi ako nagpatinag sa mabubulaklak niyang salita. Una, hindi ako nainform na namumukhaan niya ako from hs. Next, para sa totoong heart broken (siya) ang bilis niya magopen sa iba. Isa pa, bilis niya ah, gusto agad pumayag ako magpaligaw eh never naman nagkrus landas namin nung hs. Lastly, psych student siya at medyo nafall ako sa psychotic approach niya into me. Ano daw? Basta ayun. Bakit siya counted? I let him talk to me about things I would not openly tell someone.
4. College (just a month after number 3). This boy is from my senior hs classmate ulit, ganun kaliit ang social circle ko that time. (Nag improve lang ngayon kasi 3rd yr ko na sa college) Dahil malapit na ang birthday ni ate girl that time, kinontak na lahat ng kakilala para mapunan yung lahat ng 18 sa listahan. Dahil pa-pretty girl, maingat siya sa pagyaya sa mga dances. Unfortunately, may isang sumabit. Habang siniset-up ko ang bestie ko sa bestie niya, gusto rin ni boy#4 na magclick kaming dalawa. I am good friends with this guy since hs and I never knew that he liked me way back then. Edi todo promote ng self niya siya sa akin (ang labo ba?), ako naman si pader na di magiba, lagi ang sagot ‘not now’. Ewan ko ba, hindi ko mahanap ang will to be available ko that time (and until now). Edi he said that he will wait and he pursue me unstoppably on fb but after I left his last message as seen one day, I never heard from him. Until after a week, I learned na he was back again with his ex-gf. After all those panunuyo and kind words, I WAS ALMOST A REBOUND. Muntik na, nako. Anyway, wise decision minsan ang maging di magibang pader. So… yung last msg niya nga pala is, good night baby.
Malapit na akong gumraduate pero wala pa din akong love life. Well, ayun talaga ang usapan namin ng kuya. Pero minsan nakakabother na yung feeling na hindi ko na nga maabot yung quota ng dean’s lister, pati ba naman yung cut off para maging potential girlfriend? Sobra naman po ata yun.
So, bumalik ako sa school nun ng walang bagaheng mabigat dahil nangako ako sa sarili ko na magiging free spirited at independent woman ako ngayong college.
And I failed, I am dependent sa friends na na gain ko (no regrets) and maraming nagsasabi na parang ang hirap ko daw i-approach. Sige, ano pang mali?! Kidding aside, I don’t want to be that girl na laging nasa sulok at nagmumukmok kaya I changed my college lifestyle. Sinubukan ko ulit i open ang aking arms to more opportunities like accepting friend request na kahit di ko knows basta taga Nu, accept agad. I learned the hard way na eh, classmate ko na pala dinideadma ko pa. Hindi magandang aura yun girl.
Edi accept na fb requests si ate girl, may sumubok ulit gumiba pero hindi nagpabaya. Tagal ko kaya ginawa yan. Una, halata naman playtime lang for short time mga yun kaya no thanks nalang. But kasabay ng pag accept syempre may inadd din si ate mo girl.
5. Si boy#5, second year college ko yata siya naging bet. (Long term lagi crushes ko) From college of engineering, mechanical major. Course palang ang appeal na, pano pa nung nalaman ko dean’s lister pa? (Inggit ate mo girl) so ayun may kambal siya. First ko talaga yun naging crush since ka-college ko yun and I remember him when we were enrolling, sabay kami lagi sa pila but we never talked. Until I met engr (pet name ko sakanya hihi). NO WE DON’T MET PALA. We just saw each other somewhere sa school, I’m not even sure kung kilala na niya ako. But guess what, I find him first on Instagram and followed him. Well, he followed me back, I know, very much expected. (I had it screenshot and it’s been a year ago). After a couple of months and a couple of kasabay sa elevator did I added him on fb. Minsan I fooled myself by thinking na he’s walking pabalik balik in front of me para magpapansin kasi if you are friends with my friends, ewan ko nalang kung di ka mapansin ng crush mo. Maybe he knew me as someone who’s into him and want to prove something to himself. I’m good at pretending I’m ok in the outside naman kaya I think na all this time, I’ve been keeping a straight face. Until just recently, I didn’t expect to be with him on a seminar. He was literally behind my seat. That was the closest time I was ever to him. Happiest day, I even heard him talk for 3 minutes and that was freaking long. He was talking about their proposed product but I didn’t really listen, I was busy admiring him. Though after that day, he greeted someone on Ig with heart emoji (which is very unlikely of his usual posts) and a comment implying that he like the girl. Which is heartbreaking of course. Pero he still do his antics whenever I’m around and I know, I’m so assumera. Whatever, until I haven’t found a new potential crush, he still topped my list. Iba pa rin kasi yung effect niya sakin when he is around, kilig talaga. Even though,
6. Boy#6 confuses me to the utmost level. Present, college, 3rd year level. Dahilan kung bakit may ganitong entry. I met this guy just this year. Classmate ko sa dalawang subject at dahil trip ako ng tadhana, magkatabi pa sa upuan. Hindi pa yata siya masaya kaya ginawa pa kaming magkagrupo. Masyadong mahaba kung ikukuwento ko mula umpisa. Basta he gave me extra attention that made me extra careful and extra assumera. Feeling ko may sparks, may something between his words and actions. Which made him different from the others, with actions na kasi. Alam mo yun, pinafeel sayong special ka. Pero joke time lang pala. This time, I thought baka ito na, I was almost ready to break down the di magiba wall by myself. Almost. After he thought borrowing my things is fun just to have a reason to chat me and keep them for himself. After carrying my bag for me, after keeping his eye on me and asking thoughtful questions showing he cared, after staying by my side in every group discussion and during the whole week of event. Tell me nag assume lang ako, after always catching my eyes to whisper what you want to say because you were across the room, you never do that with anyone, madami tayo that time. Ok, nag assume ako. Kasi after that night, I was almost excited to see you the next school day but we were too exhausted from the event we had a long weekend to take a break. I was thankful to have that, to sort my feelings out and thoroughly analyze the pros and cons. You text me the next day, implying your departure for your Ilocos trip even after drinking alcohol last night. I replied implying that you should take care. I wish you didn’t have to do those things, implying everything. Ok nag assume ako kasi when you get back, I thought we’re good but you made friends with all our other classmate, you do not have to pay me all your attention, they had you. But you made sure not to lose me, I still had you. Until one night, I have our mutual friends with me on our way home, I felt drained from all the school works and lectures because I was there since morning. Di ko alam na hindi lang ako uuwi ng pagod, broken hearted pa. We saw you… with a girl beside you. I knew you with a lot of girl friends, that was fine. But it was different this time, you came from a date. I was almost sure I looked tired but I managed to smile. While walking back home, I expected you would text me. You did, and you have to rub it in me that you had dinner with that girl. I can’t even think how to reply, so I left our conversation with our exchanged joke. Ok I get it. We were living on a different page. Nag assume nga lang ako.
PERO, dahil tanga si ate girl, I still helped you and ditch my class in the middle of discussion just to come get you, the school guard won’t let you in without an Id lace. Never ka nag complete uniform, ewan ko sayo. Naiinis ako kasi sa ating dalawa, ako lang ang apektado. Pero kahit na makipagusap ka pa sa friend ng nililigawan mo sa harap ko, I won’t show you how affected I am. Kahit na bumanat ka pa ng words na kinahulugan ko dati, I won’t let it happen again. Sawa na kasi ‘to maging option. Madami kasi masyadong choices pero never naman pinili. Ok lang. Ok lang talaga ako. Magiging immune din ako sa presence mo, matagal-tagal pa to since may thesis pa tayo. Pero again, ok lang ako.
Ngayon, let me acknowledge the fact that my feelings was once again rejected. Hoping I wouldn’t have to add another brick on this wall, hoping I could still see the other end of everything then soon,
I promise I will be fine again.
F E B 2 8 , 2 0 1 8
I was given a biscuit with a cute note today.
The university I am attending is celebrating its 117th foundation throughout the week, its the fifth day.
I was in a hurry that time because I have to catch up to my subject for we are about to have a quiz. I bought an index card all the way from 5th floor to survive my exam successfully. (We are allowed to write the formulas) I just entered the gates when I passed a student holding out ‘something’ to me. I looked at him strangely at first because firstly, I don’t know HIM, second, he’s a guy (im awkward) and he is TALL. I don’t know how to react when he was just smiling, holding out the note and saying nothing. What do I expect?
Of course, I made a fool out of myself, “Ano to?” I blurted out.
Him being the gentleman he is (slightly sarcastic) answered me still smiling, “Ayaw mo pa?” So I finally grab it and read, I smiled when he said what was written in it.
I probably looked dumbfounded but I honestly don’t have time for that so I continued walking uttering my gratitude for the simple gesture.
He shouted something and I am not sure if I heard it right. When I finally entered the elevator and recalled what happened seconds ago, I think he said, ‘Always smile’ or he repeated the phrase that is in the note. I am really confused of what I must be thinking first; the upcoming quiz that I am unfortunately unprepared of or that I am somewhat ‘kinikilig’ because a guy just noticed me, merely acknowledging the fact the he does that to whoever pass by that hallway (I wonder how many of them were on the same page as me) (pretty sure I’m not the only one; I am just one of them).
Also the fact, although I am embarrassed to admit that it was my first time receiving such sweet gesture. I know I looked like I am making this big of a deal when it is such little effort in his part and probably insincere.
Well, this is my first time and I have all the right to gush about this and he made my day, actually. It might left my mind for a moment when I had to answer the exam but when I thought about it again, it keeps on making my lips broke into a genuine smile. I liked the feeling.
Now what is the sad part about this? I remembered nothing of his features. Just that he is tall and was wearing a white shirt. I didn’t really stared at him long enough to remember what he looks like. But its a good thing, I don’t have to expect something when we ever to cross path at school. I don’t have to interpret things into something else that is impossible to happen. I am that kind of person (lol).
So, there goes my story I’d probably laugh at in the future. I sounded so hopeless in here. Ha ha.
Thank you, whoever you are. You’ve made a huge impact on a lame girl right here.
L S S
A u g 0 4 , 2 0 1 7 | Friday
Tunay ngang walang oras na pinipili ang tadhana
Kung sino pa ang mahalaga, siya ang unang kinukuha
Walang humpay na saya nang una kang nakita— mga mata mong nakangiti at balahibong napaka puti
Hindi ka lang si bantay sa bahay ngunit siya ring naging paboritong bunso ni nanay
Madalas nga namin siyang tinutukso kung sino ang mas mahal
Nakatingin ka lang na parang nakikinig sa usapan
Nakatitig, nakaliyad ang leeg na parang may gustong intindihin
Ang imaheng ganun ang tumatak at paborito kong alalahanin.
Nakaka miss na umuwing may sasalubong na halik
Yung mga buntot mong napakalikot at walang tigil ang pitik
Nakaka miss kumain habang alam kong nasa ilalim ka ng la mesa
Naghihintay habang nakatingala na para bang gusto mo ring sumabay
Sa halos apat na taon na iyong itinagal
Alam kong sapat ang ibinigay namin sa iyong pagmamahal
Pero alam ko rin na ang nararapat ay hindi lang sapat— sobra, labis, umaapaw ang dapat.
Dalawang araw bago ka pumanaw, bakit tila wala kang sakit kung gumalaw?
Bakit hindi namin alam?
Na mayroon ka ng karamdaman
Masakit sa loob na sa dalawang araw kang nasasaktan
Nang ipanakikita mong hindi na kaya ang nararamdaman
At kahit ano pa ang gawing paraan
Huli na, hanggang doon nalang
Dahil kailangan mo nang magpaalam
Permanente nang nakaukit sa aking isipan, kung paano mo ako pinagmasdan
Yung huling pagkakataong ikaw ay makita pero hindi man lang sumagi sa aking isipan
Na huli na yun at wala na bukas.
Sana lagi mong tatandaan,
Isa kang malaking parte ng aming buhay
Ikaw yung tipong walang kapantay
Pero siguro ganun talaga… may pangmatagalan pero walang pang habang buhay.
K.O. — hindi ka namin makakalimutan.
Ps. I wrote this as part of my Filipino subject course requirement. My mom loved it, but I refuse to share it online with my friends. Instead, decided to have it here, in my safe haven.
Pps. I still miss you baby boy 🐶
L S S | July 12, 2017
I miss you our not-so-little ball of sunshine.
Happy birthday! It was supposed to be your fourth year with us and unfortunately you were not here anymore. You left us without so much heads up, it was unfair, I would say. I was at school that time stressing my self out for our turn in reporting for finals requirement. I didn’t expect to hear that you were gone before we had the chance to visit you, I am truly sorry, we are.
Two days before you left I could just vaguely remember how lively you’ve been when you greeted me when I came back home, just like the old times. Then you were very sick the next day, I updated my siblings of your condition since they were at work and I was just off to uni. I am very busy from all the work school is demanding but I will forever remember how you’ve been my stress reliever and how happy I’ve always been coming home for your hugs and sloppy kisses(licks). After a long day, those were the last things I would always look unto but you’re gone. Imagine how everyday felt so unfamiliar without your presence.
You know how emotional I always turned to be in simplest situation. I’ll just go up to you and you talk to me with your eyes, yours were my favorite. I am currently like this because it’s the first of June and I’m home alone when I suddenly smell a lighted candle. I remembered you and felt like I owe you a lot.
I didn’t cry when you left. Maybe because of all the things that is going on in my head that time and it drained me already. It left me void and unable to feel anything (you know how it was) but it goes on like any other days. I miss you so much, you would have made me feel better by now if you were here.
Maybe it’s true that we’re not ready for you. Four years with us but you deserve better than our insufficient shelter but you know that we care for you a lot. I always imagine you with us when we finally move out but you can’t wait any longer before it happened. But know that your departure is also one thing that we aren’t ready for.
Now that I am remembering you, I can’t help the image to flash the last time I saw you. (I swear my phone is playing songs as I am writing this- np: photograph. Coincidence?) You were helpless and we didn’t know how much pain is taking toll on you that you can bear it no more. We thought that you’ll be fine when we(they- im at school) bring you to vet, and you did. We expect you to come home after 30 hours as the doctor instructed, but you didn’t make it.
It’s sad and depressing. We all miss you and we are sorry. We took care of you but you deserve more than what we’ve given you. And now, we know, you’re at peace and we wish nothing but that.
You did what you have to do, you made us all happy. You made all the people who met you, happy.
We promise that we won’t get another dog until we’re ready. That time, you’ll come around, I know. See you by then.
– L s s
JUNE 1 2017 | 9 : 51 AM
..and the clock hits 12.
Tick tack tick tack
Just like any other night, I struggle to make myself sleep because I had a lot of things going on in my mind. But today was different, it was special, or it was supposed to be rather. I will be turning 19 soon, I mean, later. I’ve had this moment imagined a thousand times in different scenes and with different people in my head. I was maybe having a good time with some friends out of town as we get giddy and hyped about the turning event. Maybe I was with my happy family who never mind how late it gets when they are having a nice time, and we will count down like how we do on new years. But here instead, the lights are off and people are silent. With my phone lighting up in front of my face- I screenshot the exact time I was waiting for and murmur a silent- happy birthday, self.
What an exciting story to tell!
I am always, always excited about birthdays, specifically mine. Because I know, that is when I get special attention and of course presents. I love being remembered. Also, I have all the reasons and excuses to be happy.
Out of all those things said, the last part was the most applicable at this time. Forget everything I said before that line and I’d be happy to have that feeling in an instant. These past few days was rough. It is an old news but it never wears. I will always be an emotional wreck in the most uncertain times. Hence, makes me work hard to convince the people around me and my self that I am actually super freaking fine. I promise. I get super agitated and upset about the things I realized for myself (that is for another entry) and it is far from helping. I may be discretely hard and pessimistic at some times, I am trying my best to see things from the other side. I remember the pastor said that good things are seen after passing the dark side. There is always one, just believe.
Despite everything that has happened and whatever it is to happen, I can only give myself this message:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You are 19 and you can reach twice that year (and more) if you will continue doing what you are doing and never stop growing everyday. Trust me when I say that you’ve always been your best when your heart is at peace. Please make it happen as often as you can. When you are frustrated, remember to breathe the stress out , calm your mind and take a break. Then pray.
He makes the rages stop and wipes the tears of cry.
You know it was never wrong to follow your heart. Because the decisions you can only come up in your head are rushed and spur of the moment. You experience it yourself, make it be your reminder.
You’ve been strong in the past year and you will always be. I am so proud how well you handle situations now, especially your emotions. I am proud that you’ve been always understanding even when it’s hard to be one. I wish that you will stand on your principles in life and never forget to be grateful at all times. I pray that your faith will grow more and gives you guidance as you take on the life.
To the more mature you will become in the year to come, we cheer!
The success is always within you, you’ll just have to carve harder and it will shine.
Happy birthday, young lady.
God bless you and He loves you.
⁃ L S S
APRIL 25, 2017
I don’t want to be lost here
Find me a place to be lost instead
I want the sound of the wind in my face
I want the lights dancing as we go past through them
I want the long waits in line of those in different colors
I want the beat goes along the hump in every of the way
I want to see the people around without them seeing me
I want the trees and the long roads too
I want the color of the sky ahead of us
It would be nice on a sunset, i guess
I don’t want the time to bother me
How I would love to be in a place I have never been to, can you take me there?
A place of unending reason to live and chances
And once we found one,
You can leave me there
-LSS. October 23, 2016