Out of the blue, story

N O V 2 1 . 2 0 1 7

Tuesday.

It must be a good day coming back to school- it was supposed to be. While my friends were probably warming up with each other again, here I am, watching movie in marathon. They must have their day started with a good breakfast and a purpose for the day, it wasn’t always that we got the first day that’s not a Monday. Who loves Monday anyway? I do.

While they got out of the bed preparing for school, I was on mine for the whole day. Or not really. I kinda enjoyed my day actually. I gotta watch Captain America for 4 hours, who am I to complain? And other good looking people that wasn’t me. Just kidding! I mean actors, they are fun to watch. While I grabbed my coffee at 10am, I figured my sis and bros leave me no choice to skip breakfast. I have showered a little earlier before warming up my stomach, must have forgotten my favorite time for a meal. There’s just a lot on my mind the moment I opened my eyes this morning. Oh, they were going out again while I stay here. Oh, I can’t be mad I don’t have a word on this situation. Oh no, I have to change clothes (u know) before I make myself a mess, aunt flow just visited me after two months. Oh, I think the history will repeat again (soon). The history I never want to go over again. Ever.

So while I sipped on a coffee with my hair on a braid just about to dry, I scrolled through the movies our laptop have. The charger is brand new, it’s just about this time we got our hands back to this thing. I’m thankful just now. I always thought that the money spent for this could have help me on my school expenses instead, guess that was just my selfishness speaking. Moving on, the list weren’t many but they are the ones I haven’t seen before, I should be good.

So these are my choices and you can’t judge me for this:

Best in me

The Ant-Man

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)

Captain America: Civil War (2016)

Romance to Action-Comedy to Avengers to I don’t know. They just happened to be pointed by the cursor, I guess. No, I actually planned watching Best in me since yesterday after Tomorrow’s Land but I got no time. Today was perfect and I had the Ant-Man preview too that made me interested so I went in. It was pretty good, I thought it’s gonna be my fave Marvel Movie… until I saw Captain America. Damn, that dude was hot (I can’t literally imagine my self saying this, sounds funny to me) I am never really into this kind of movie but when it’s on my face, I don’t really mind. I liked the scenes more than the story but yeah, I skipped the CA first part wherein it shows how he began and all. No, I take it back, I think I liked the story too- friendship is a big deal. So, I am just glad I’d be sleeping knowing I never regretted being useless today because… Captain America. Yeah, I’m pretty much into him, I’m obviously on his team!

I’ll tell you something else that is funny. After the coffee, I realized I’m gonna be dehydrated if I kept going like this for the whole day. So why not bring something with me, I got no popcorn (I realized it just now, made me sad) I got myself a water and this is what I think about me: ‘Spending my day binge-watching whatever with a glass in hand pretending it was a wine or something but it actually tastes nothing- just water. I know, low budget rebellion is what it is.’

I actually had that noted upon realizing so I could put it in this entry. I was funny like that. Pathetically funny.

THAT IS ALL FELLAS, I HOPE YOU DON’T MIND A DAY IN MY LIFE UPDATE. NO BIGGIE JUST PURE BLABBERING AND CORNY JOKES AND UNNECESSARY SIDE COMMENTS. SUIT UP!– I MEAN SUIT YOUR SELF. (You see that, Captain America, hehe)

xx

l e a n a

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Memories, story

N O V 1 6 . 2 0 1 7

Thursday.

I was decluttering my things when I saw this from one of my notepads. I tore it up to dab on a spilled water. I guess I used something else and save this one to read later on. Then when I did, I was pulled in my alternate universe, again.

The words and sentences were technically wrong but who cares. If you try to understand the underlying meaning, you will get her idea. But it’s different for me, because I was the writer of this one. This is me from a particular time, on a particular circumstance.

I remember vaguely in my head how I was literally half lying on a table doing an assignment, I got really tired of thinking and feeling not enough. I flip a page from where I was writing and scribble everything that’s been blocking my mind since I sat down to study.

This was just one of those days.

There were a lot of instances that I couldn’t count off but this was luckily journalized. This is me with my thoughts cluttered, was out of herself and feeling empty inside. This is me begging and utterly desperate.

This is the me that I hated most.

Although she feels lost, she always find her way to distract me and ruin just… everything.

xx

l e a n a

Out of the blue, story

N O V . 9 2 0 1 7

Thursday.

I’m in the middle of the sembreak and I have been doing nothing particularly fun. If reading a novel a day is fun, then I guess at least I’m having one.

Somehow I couldn’t seem to put my life back together and feel better while I’m trying to make it through, you know surviving life. I always thought I have it figured out. Months ago I was walking and knowing I am capable of being anything I always wanted to be or should be, for the matter. But I guess I was wrong, I always am.

Looking back to my life almost 3 years ago, as I scroll through my journal, I thought I never want to stand on that position again. The 16 year old me sound so sad and lonely. Nowadays, I felt her creeping up inside me again, she’s peeking and I’m doing my best not to let her in.

When I look through the list of journals I wrote years back with intermittent intervals in between 3 years. I seemed really hopeless but it was me on that very time. That time seem perfect and I am able to express my emotions. But most of them were the times I was heavyhearted. And I wished I wrote more when I was really ecstatic or just about my out-of-the-blue realizations and spur of the moment happiness.

I honestly thought on writing about those things and I tried but when you’re at it, it would look so unnecessary. Although, just now, I realized that my future self would not mind reading those stuff. At this point, I’d gladly look back on those that I don’t regret of doing and just about pure bliss and happiness. I wished I didn’t overlooked them and let it bypass. I cling to my sorrow longer than my delight.

And just like that, my words began to sway with the wind as it lost in the sky. I wonder when will I see them again.

story, To whomever

Hey, thank you

I was given a biscuit with a cute note today. 
Actual photo:

The university I am attending is celebrating its 117th foundation throughout the week, its the fifth day. 
I was in a hurry that time because I have to catch up to my subject for we are about to have a quiz. I bought an index card all the way from 5th floor to survive my exam successfully. (We are allowed to write the formulas) I just entered the gates when I passed a student holding out ‘something’ to me. I looked at him strangely at first because firstly, I don’t know HIM, second, he’s a guy (im awkward) and he is TALL. I don’t know how to react when he was just smiling, holding out the note and saying nothing. What do I expect? 
Of course, I made a fool out of myself, “Ano to?” I blurted out. 
Him being the gentleman he is (slightly sarcastic) answered me still smiling, “Ayaw mo pa?” So I finally grab it and read, I smiled when he said what was written in it. 

I probably looked dumbfounded but I honestly don’t have time for that so I continued walking uttering my gratitude for the simple gesture. 

He shouted something and I am not sure if I heard it right. When I finally entered the elevator and recalled what happened seconds ago, I think he said, ‘Always smile’ or he repeated the phrase that is in the note. I am really confused of what I must be thinking first; the upcoming quiz that I am unfortunately unprepared of or that I am somewhat ‘kinikilig’ because a guy just noticed me, merely acknowledging the fact the he does that to whoever pass by that hallway (I wonder how many of them were on the same page as me) (pretty sure I’m not the only one; I am just one of them). 

Also the fact, although I am embarrassed to admit that it was my first time receiving such sweet gesture. I know I looked like I am making this big of a deal when it is such little effort in his part and probably insincere. 

Well, this is my first time and I have all the right to gush about this and he made my day, actually. It might left my mind for a moment when I had to answer the exam but when I thought about it again, it keeps on making my lips broke into a genuine smile. I liked the feeling.

Now what is the sad part about this? I remembered nothing of his features. Just that he is tall and was wearing a white shirt. I didn’t really stared at him long enough to remember what he looks like. But its a good thing, I don’t have to expect something when we ever to cross path at school. I don’t have to interpret things into something else that is impossible to happen. I am that kind of person (lol). 

So, there goes my story I’d probably laugh at in the future. I sounded so hopeless in here. Ha ha. 

Thank you, whoever you are. You’ve made a huge impact on a lame girl right here. 

L S S
A u g 0 4 , 2 0 1 7 | Friday

Memories, story, To whomever

ORASAN PARA SA MGA PANAHONG HINDI MO NAPAGHANDAAN

Tunay ngang walang oras na pinipili ang tadhana

Kung sino pa ang mahalaga, siya ang unang kinukuha

Walang humpay na saya nang una kang nakita— mga mata mong nakangiti at balahibong napaka puti

Hindi ka lang si bantay sa bahay ngunit siya ring naging paboritong bunso ni nanay

Madalas nga namin siyang tinutukso kung sino ang mas mahal

Nakatingin ka lang na parang nakikinig sa usapan

Nakatitig, nakaliyad ang leeg na parang may gustong intindihin

Ang imaheng ganun ang tumatak at paborito kong alalahanin. 

Nakaka miss na umuwing may sasalubong na halik

Yung mga buntot mong napakalikot at walang tigil ang pitik

Nakaka miss kumain habang alam kong nasa ilalim ka ng la mesa

Naghihintay habang nakatingala na para bang gusto mo ring sumabay

Sa halos apat na taon na iyong itinagal 

Alam kong sapat ang ibinigay namin sa iyong pagmamahal

Pero alam ko rin na ang nararapat ay hindi lang sapat— sobra, labis, umaapaw ang dapat. 

Dalawang araw bago ka pumanaw, bakit tila wala kang sakit kung gumalaw?

Bakit hindi namin alam?

Na mayroon ka ng karamdaman

Masakit sa loob na sa dalawang araw kang nasasaktan

Nang ipanakikita mong hindi na kaya ang nararamdaman

At kahit ano pa ang gawing paraan

Huli na, hanggang doon nalang

Dahil kailangan mo nang magpaalam

Permanente nang nakaukit sa aking isipan, kung paano mo ako pinagmasdan

Yung huling pagkakataong ikaw ay makita pero hindi man lang sumagi sa aking isipan

Na huli na yun at wala na bukas. 

Sana lagi mong tatandaan,

Isa kang malaking parte ng aming buhay

Ikaw yung tipong walang kapantay

Pero siguro ganun talaga… may pangmatagalan pero walang pang habang buhay. 

K.O. — hindi ka namin makakalimutan. 

Ps. I wrote this as part of my Filipino subject course requirement. My mom loved it, but I refuse to share it online with my friends. Instead, decided to have it here, in my safe haven. 

Pps. I still miss you baby boy 🐶

L S S | July 12, 2017

Events, Memories, story, To whomever

Mata, atode. 

I miss you our not-so-little ball of sunshine. 

Happy birthday! It was supposed to be your fourth year with us and unfortunately you were not here anymore. You left us without so much heads up, it was unfair, I would say. I was at school that time stressing my self out for our turn in reporting for finals requirement. I didn’t expect to hear that you were gone before we had the chance to visit you, I am truly sorry, we are. 

Two days before you left I could just vaguely remember how lively you’ve been when you greeted me when I came back home, just like the old times. Then you were very sick the next day, I updated my siblings of your condition since they were at work and I was just off to uni. I am very busy from all the work school is demanding but I will forever remember how you’ve been my stress reliever and how happy I’ve always been coming home for your hugs and sloppy kisses(licks). After a long day, those were the last things I would always look unto but you’re gone. Imagine how everyday felt so unfamiliar without your presence. 

You know how emotional I always turned to be in simplest situation. I’ll just go up to you and you talk to me with your eyes, yours were my favorite. I am currently like this because it’s the first of June and I’m home alone when I suddenly smell a lighted candle. I remembered you and felt like I owe you a lot. 

I didn’t cry when you left. Maybe because of all the things that is going on in my head that time and it drained me already. It left me void and unable to feel anything (you know how it was) but it goes on like any other days. I miss you so much, you would have made me feel better by now if you were here. 

Maybe it’s true that we’re not ready for you. Four years with us but you deserve better than our insufficient shelter but you know that we care for you a lot. I always imagine you with us when we finally move out but you can’t wait any longer before it happened. But know that your departure is also one thing that we aren’t ready for. 

Now that I am remembering you, I can’t help the image to flash the last time I saw you. (I swear my phone is playing songs as I am writing this- np: photograph. Coincidence?) You were helpless and we didn’t know how much pain is taking toll on you that you can bear it no more. We thought that you’ll be fine when we(they- im at school) bring you to vet, and you did. We expect you to come home after 30 hours as the doctor instructed, but you didn’t make it. 

It’s sad and depressing. We all miss you and we are sorry. We took care of you but you deserve more than what we’ve given you. And now, we know, you’re at peace and we wish nothing but that. 

You did what you have to do, you made us all happy. You made all the people who met you, happy. 

We promise that we won’t get another dog until we’re ready. That time, you’ll come around, I know. See you by then. 

xx

– L s s

JUNE 1 2017 | 9 : 51 AM

Events, story, To whomever

N i n e t e e n t h

..and the clock hits 12.

Tick tack tick tack

Just like any other night, I struggle to make myself sleep because I had a lot of things going on in my mind. But today was different, it was special, or it was supposed to be rather. I will be turning 19 soon, I mean, later. I’ve had this moment imagined a thousand times in different scenes and with different people in my head. I was maybe having a good time with some friends out of town as we get giddy and hyped about the turning event. Maybe I was with my happy family who never mind how late it gets when they are having a nice time, and we will count down like how we do on new years. But here instead, the lights are off and people are silent. With my phone lighting up in front of my face- I screenshot the exact time I was waiting for and murmur a silent- happy birthday, self.

What an exciting story to tell! 

I am always, always excited about birthdays, specifically mine. Because I know, that is when I get special attention and of course presents. I love being remembered. Also, I have all the reasons and excuses to be happy. 

Out of all those things said, the last part was the most applicable at this time. Forget everything I said before that line and I’d be happy to have that feeling in an instant. These past few days was rough. It is an old news but it never wears. I will always be an emotional wreck in the most uncertain times. Hence, makes me work hard to convince the people around me and my self that I am actually super freaking fine. I promise. I get super agitated and upset about the things I realized for myself (that is for another entry) and it is far from helping. I may be discretely hard and pessimistic at some times, I am trying my best to see things from the other side. I remember the pastor said that good things are seen after passing the dark side. There is always one, just believe.

Despite everything that has happened and whatever it is to happen, I can only give myself this message:

Dear self,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You are 19 and you can reach twice that year (and more) if you will continue doing what you are doing and never stop growing everyday. Trust me when I say that you’ve always been your best when your heart is at peace. Please make it happen as often as you can. When you are frustrated, remember to breathe the stress out , calm your mind and take a break. Then pray. 

He makes the rages stop and wipes the tears of cry. 

You know it was never wrong to follow your heart. Because the decisions you can only come up in your head are rushed and spur of the moment. You experience it yourself, make it be your reminder.

You’ve been strong in the past year and you will always be. I am so proud how well you handle situations now, especially your emotions. I am proud that you’ve been always understanding even when it’s hard to be one. I wish that you will stand on your principles in life and never forget to be grateful at all times. I pray that your faith will grow more and gives you guidance as you take on the life. 

To the more mature you will become in the year to come, we cheer! 

The success is always within you, you’ll just have to carve harder and it will shine. 
Happy birthday, young lady. 

God bless you and He loves you. 

 ⁃ L S S

APRIL 25, 2017

Memories, story

Birthday Confession

I, leana (jokes on me- not my real name), 19- have finally made my feet step on the grounds of ENCHANTED KINGDOM for the very first time! (APRIL 26,2017)

Yes, i can’t tell you how much I loved theme parks but man, I am made for these places. That is one of the places I definitely belong to. I don’t know if it’s just the excitement but I never felt tired the whole time we spent there until we spotted the food park in the evening and my stomach has to grumble waiting to be noticed. 

Although we had a hard time getting to the location, we had a good time. I am able to try atleast 9 rides and experienced 4D for the first time. Honestly, the limited time we had was too short to tear me out completely, I wanted to ride them all extreme ones! I even want to ride the second time each of them to ease my initial shock and actually enjoy the ride and experience. 

Although I had great friends with me and we were there to celebrate my 19th birthday. I wished that they were hyped as me to get on every ride on every opportunity we got and not just to take aesthetic pictures when they are not as determined to take good pictures when it comes to others. Or maybe it was just me, maybe I killed their vibe because whenever we took pictures, I posed awkwardly and trying hard to smile to the camera. It was never my forte to model myself and look good on candid. NEVER. 

I hated it when my mouth shows too much gums whenever I laugh and my eyes were hidden because they were too small. I hated the shape of my face because no angle could deny how awful it looks and don’t forget my poise and gestures! My hands were flying everywhere, my feet is standing on toes or pointing or swaying on the side or crossing, I may stumble one of this days because of my clumsiness whenever I see the lens in front of me. 

Sometimes I felt like a hypocrite and being ungrateful makes me feel bad. I felt like they are holding me back and I hated them for making me feel that way. Although they don’t have to worry because the problem is all on me, because I can’t really handle my insecurities well, when I always say that it is fine to be who you really are. I can’t mingle with the fun people and jump from one place to another. I’d rather have the wind slapping me in the face when I am on the highest peak the extreme ride can get. They were just everything that I am not and sometimes it makes it hard to stay friends with everyone. 

I wish they didn’t joke how bad the place was because someone was actually afraid of heights and all they do on my favorite ride was hang onto me like I was the last chance they could grab to make them stay alive. Why they didn’t tell me that they can’t do the ferris wheel before we took off but announced that we should save the best for last? I am supposed to savor the last moment and enjoy the skyline, but I tried to understand and let my arms be the last handle she could cling onto for the whole ride. I tried filming and take pictures on one hand but it’s still depressing. I still tried to laugh and joke with them. I though it was fine, I guess not. 

I want to go back! I believe that I haven’t fulfilled the magic the theme park is supposedly saying. I have to go back there and I am absolutely going back. 
I just hope that when time comes, I’d be with the right people who enjoys the same thing as me. 

 – L S S
M A Y 1 , 2 0 1 7

Out of the blue, story

She’s trying, you know

Despite all the contradictions of what she believed she can do, she wants to see how capable she is if she tried.

How many times had she fell down from her high expectations? How many times had she disappoint people around her? How many times had she lost hope? Faith? Herself?

She lost count.

She often forget what her goal is, what she really wants. She often ask herself if there is really something she is passionate about. All her life, she get no answer.

But that does not really stop her, no, those low scores on her papers don’t. Not even the fact that someone she knew continuously achieve what she also wants for herself. No. No matter how much pressure her parents put on her shoulder won’t make her stop. Because she believe that if she keeps on trying, she will succeed.

Atleast, that is what she believed.

Most of the time she was unsure of what she’s really doing. She doubt her decision before seeing the outcome. Although how much she hates when things got out of hand, she manage to face the risks.

She hates seeing everything fell down before her eyes but she realized that it is the only thing she could do at that unfortunate time. But she managed, she can manage.

She is not exactly, you know, optimistic; she tried to be one but it’s not really suits her best. She has her worst times because she struggles and that is normal.

She is just the girl who goes on even with her eyes close.

She knows how life works and she’s fine with that. She is fine despite the unfairness and cruelty of reality. She knows how happiness can sometimes last the moment you least expect it, so she learned to grasp every chance she has.

Because everything is worth a try, she always put in her mind.

She do not trust anyone when they say that she is beautiful. While she could not see the good in her, she know better than to give up. And I think that is the best quality about her.

Always sees that failure are one step to victory. 
– L S S

APRIL 10, 2017 | MONDAY

story

Scraps

I was taking up my exam that time when you suddenly cross my mind. I was unconsciously smiling when I slightly had lost the idea of how to solve the numbers in front of me. I’ve loved math. And you manage to meet me in the midst of my deepest concentration. That thought scared me. 

I cannot have a distraction. This can’t be. 

But I remembered our almost close interaction in the hallways, stairs and the library not so long before my exam. I was motivated. 
Is this the thought they were talking about?

“How can be something this good be so bad?”
How can my motivation be my destruction?
And then I saw you there. Sitting with your friends. I spotted you almost immediately, you just stand out. I didn’t realize that I am already smiling to myself. You were looking my way. 

There is something wrong, though.

I don’t want to admit it, but it’s your eyes. 

It’s the same mesmerizing pair but they don’t look so inviting to me, they aren’t calling to me anymore. Why are they so distant?
“Hey, isn’t he the guy you were talking about?”
Said my other friend walking behind us (w/ other friend). 
I smiled at her when I turned my head. “It’s him.” As I replied, it turned out sad. I think I knew it. 
“He was totally looking at you.” She mused me. 
I looked at you again, you look good in the panel. I hope you were doing great on that event. 
My eyes tried to follow your line of vision that seems to be anywhere but me. 
And it landed to where the voice was,

“Totally…” my lips uttered, 

(not) my mind added. 
-LSS | February 23,2017