story, To whomever

O C T 31 2 0 1 8 🍺

Today, I rejected love.

And it was far different from the confrontations I had from my head a couple of times of different people. It’s weird when you think of it but that’s what I usually do when trying to make sense of my curiosity- I make up situation and analyze it.

I rejected my best friend.

My friends from high school are solid people I could count on when I needed them. But years have passed and it wasn’t as smooth as before, we barely saw and talk to each other- we had our own lives. So when he decided to drop the L word on me, I felt many feelings and most are the not-good ones.
I have dealt with many guys trying to share their intentions, so far, I’ve heard the same words from all of them. I am disappointed that I had to lose a friend who’s trying to earn my trust of finally breaking the walls I’ve built all this time. He was impulsive, he was driven with wrong motive of trying to prove something. I hate that I have to say things just to make him realize what he isn’t seeing. He put me in a position I could never be ready, now it makes me mad when I think of it. We were just fine and normal few days ago and then when he decided to pour all his attention on me, he didn’t think of any one that might get affected along the way.

He was sober that night when he said he find me beautiful. He got drunk that night when he told me he loves me. He was drunk in the morning when he said that even I rejected him, he will pursue me. I went to the office, sleepless, anticipating the second part of our talk after duty. He said he’ll just rest and sleep and wake up in time to fetch me. We agreed to meet at 1, he haven’t yet replied at 3 so I went home. I left him a message saying I couldn’t wait for him any longer and move it on Monday and then directly fell asleep right when I got home. He replied with a sad emoji- no further words, no sorry. I realized, yeah he is now sober.

 I admit that I was indecisive when he asked me to take a chance on us. Why? I felt no spark when he hold my hand, but I like it that he held me. I liked that he wanted me to stay with him, but I don’t like that I’m watching the time for it to be over. I like it that he admit his feelings but I don’t think I like him enough to give it a shot.

He can tell me multiple times that I am only afraid of what others might think or say. That I don’t wanna go out of my comfort zone. He might be right, he might be wrong. But I want to follow my guts and believe in what I know. I’ve prayed hard for this.

When I pray for God to allow me to meet the person that will treat me special and loved and cared for, I always thought that he wasn’t listening to me. Along with my lines of prayers are wisdom and courage to be ready for heart ache and every thing that might happen. And I guess this is just another preparation for something big.

I am proud of myself for knowing what I needed and deserved and again not to settle on who is just temporary available but not emotionally established. God has been giving me signs even when I don’t ask for it, like today. When I woke up in the evening and found his nonsense reply, I scroll through my feed and found this particular verse. From 1 John 4:18, “there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear… whoever fears has not been perfected in love”. It struck me clearly and answered all my questions and whenever I am reminded of the considerations I almost give him, I cringe to myself. If I can’t give me reassurance that it will somehow work, that’s when I know that this is not it, yet. We do not have to hurt both ourselves and it’s best this way. This is only a false alarm and far from what we thought is love.

I still want to meet him and clear my answers because even I was not sure if I understand my self back there that night. He is right that I know him too well to prove that he is not lying but he is wrong because I know him too well to know that I don’t deserve to be his another girl on his long line. Maybe it’s good to not meet this early so we could clear our heads, but mine is made now.

He might be like the other guys who tried but this one is kind of important to me because of our friendship and I hope he knows I respect that so much. I pray that he find comfort and peace without having to win a girl to do that for him. I know that God knows his heart and I pray that he heals whatever is hurting him. See you around, R.


leana | W E D | 23:50


APR 03 2018 👻

I need a moment to pause

Pause whatever I am doing right now because it’s not working anymore

Pause whatever I think is right because in reality… it’s not.

Not that I am not living in a reality but because I still think it is fictitious enough to not take it seriously.

I need to stop.

Stop ignoring the fact that I’m starting to lose it, you know, the spark;

The fact that my path isn’t as clear as it is before.

Before when I know what I wanted;

The times when I know why I’m doing something.

I don’t know anything anymore.

And it’s sad.

It makes me sad to realize that the more I’m trying to carve into the change; the more I am being pulled out from my home.

My home is the stillness of my being; you know, heart at peace and mind at ease. It’s where I always go back after my every turmoil, the restlessness of the surrounding. When everything is suffocating. There will I be able to breathe again.

The distance created mist on my visions, it pines on the serenity I once carry.

I am losing the spark.

I thought it was fine to be unsure of your tomorrow. I hold on to the promise that I should not because tomorrow will have to worry about itself. That is why I continued, I went on without any intention of accomplishing my plans, simply because – I don’t have any.

Can you please make me stop?

Stop me from sleepwalking into my own life. Stop me from blubbering gibberish words I do not even know where they came from. Stop me from thinking that everything is fine because… it’s not.

How many times will I have to say it? I. am. Not. Fine.

I need help. I want a fresh start.

Apr 3 | 10:31


MAR 06 2018 🍃

S U N D A Y .


Today and to all the following days, let me ask you to please remind me how blessed I already am and be grateful for everything that I have. Teach me to be delighted and share this among the others.

Remind me that I have all these because of You – that You are our provider.

Remind me to be happy for all the people that surrounds me because I have them. You put them in my life for a purpose and they are a gift from You. Remind me to thank them too.

Lord, remind me to love the people that hurt me. Those who let me down over and over again, I want to love them just as much.

Lord, can you please remind my heart that it is fine to be broken once in a while? That You will eventually fill the void when it’s empty.

Lord, remind this heart how to love like You do and lastly, can you remind her how it feel too?

These past few days, she’s forgetting everything.

Please, Lord.


story, To whomever

FEB 28 2018 🌹


Hola! Isang entry nanaman para sa pusong nasaktan. Ayan sinabi ko na, ang first step to moving on daw kasi ay ACCEPTANCE. Ewan ko ba? Hindi naman dapat ina-acknowledge yung mga ganitong bagay. Pero dahil hindi na ma-take ng puso kong pagod na tumibok (muntik ng tumibok) sa mga maling tao, I’m here again friends. My favorite medium to let this all out.

Isang nakaka aliw (nope) na “sanay na ako” on the outside pero “pucha heto nanaman” on the inside, scenario.

(Disclaimer: hindi sa akin ang phrase, nabasa ko lang sa fb: natuwa, sinulat)

Pang-ilan ko na ba ‘to? Hindi ko na yata mabilang, pero siguro ayos pa rin ako kasi tagalog pa din yung entry ko (lol). Hindi ako yung tipo ng babae na ligawin pero in fairness, lokohin naman. Meron sigurong placard sa noo ko na, “Marupok to, pagtripan niyo pa ko.” Hindi man sila marami, hindi rin naman nauubos. Ilang beses na ba nangyari yung ganito, let me count the ways:

1. Freshman high school (maaga lumandi, don’t worry, matagal bago umulit). Niligawan ng kababata sa elem school na crush na-galing-sa-break up thru text, bumigay. Dahil bata pa si inday at first time magkajowa, gusto secret. Ito namang si guy, sanay sa jowang lantaran. Na-fall sa chickboy, tsk. Pagkatapos ng apat na gabi ng i love you’s narealize niyang hindi worth it si inday, binalikan yung ex. Sandali nagka holding hands, bumilang ng tatlong nakaw na halik sa pisngi, hindi na nakamove on ng mahigit tatlong taon. Narealize ko ngayon, di naman gwapo si boy. Siguro pinanghawakan ko lang masyado yung muntikan kong first date na pinagtakpang ipaalam, buti nalang hindi natuloy. Kasi shems, I will never live on that memory. Have I told you guys na naging kami nung araw ng mga puso? Yep, happy valentine’s day. Pero wala akong natanggap na flowers nun.

2. Senior high school (I told you, natuto si inday). Brainy si ate girl this time, matagal naman na but dito lang nag shine. May malaking group of friends kaya hindi maiiwasan yung love teams. Syempre meron si ate girl, balita ko nga, yung iba palihim pa. Dahil itong si boy#2 ang malakas kay pressy, siya ang pinush na escort ni inday (nope, hindi kami officer) Torpe si boy when I’m around kaya ayun umasa sa friends of friends at anonymous letters. Minsan naguusap sa text pero madalang sa personal. Na-fall ng very light sa good morning sms at gentleman ways pero again, walang nangyari. Malabo kasi, magkaiba ng religion at pati yata diyalekto. Wala akong matandaan na nagusap kami ng matagal, hindi nga siya sakin makatingin sa mata. Ang lakas niya magclaim sakin na kahit best friend ko na best friend niya pinagseselosan pa. Dahil mahaba ang hair ko, nagaway sila pero hindi suntukan (mababait ang boys ko). Gumamit pa ng ibang babae para masabing hindi lang ako ang babae para todo magpabebe. Wala naman talaga siyang ginawang effort para i-approach ako eh. Siguro nagustuhan ko lang yung IDEA NA GUSTO NIYA AKO. Hindi nag end ang awkward relationship namin nung graduation kasi sunod-sunod na events after nun. May palitan pa din ng holiday at birthday greetings. Isa nga pala siya sa 18 roses ko. Yun lang.

3. College (walang year kasi kahit ako di ko alam, irreg student). If I’m not mistaken, nangyari ito before ako bumalik ulit sa schooling. Dahil tengga si Inday, surfing the net lang sports at bahay lang ang tambayan. Like dito, like doon. Hindi ko namalayan fan na pala ako nung dating crush ng friend ko from hs. Ayun edi napansin niyang liker ako ng posts niya. Hindi ko naman inexpect na pro na pala sa mga linyahan, chinat at naexcite naman si bakla. Medyo na kokonsensya pa nga ko kasi best friend ko maagrabyado. We take crushes seriously, charot. It was a long time ago for my bestie and nakuwento ko na sakanya to. Dalawang gabi ako ininterview ni boy#3 at nung napansin niya sa ikatlong araw na ako ay isang pader na hindi magpapagiba, tumigil siya. Sineen at inunfriend ako. What do I mean? Hindi ako nagpatinag sa mabubulaklak niyang salita. Una, hindi ako nainform na namumukhaan niya ako from hs. Next, para sa totoong heart broken (siya) ang bilis niya magopen sa iba. Isa pa, bilis niya ah, gusto agad pumayag ako magpaligaw eh never naman nagkrus landas namin nung hs. Lastly, psych student siya at medyo nafall ako sa psychotic approach niya into me. Ano daw? Basta ayun. Bakit siya counted? I let him talk to me about things I would not openly tell someone.

4. College (just a month after number 3). This boy is from my senior hs classmate ulit, ganun kaliit ang social circle ko that time. (Nag improve lang ngayon kasi 3rd yr ko na sa college) Dahil malapit na ang birthday ni ate girl that time, kinontak na lahat ng kakilala para mapunan yung lahat ng 18 sa listahan. Dahil pa-pretty girl, maingat siya sa pagyaya sa mga dances. Unfortunately, may isang sumabit. Habang siniset-up ko ang bestie ko sa bestie niya, gusto rin ni boy#4 na magclick kaming dalawa. I am good friends with this guy since hs and I never knew that he liked me way back then. Edi todo promote ng self niya siya sa akin (ang labo ba?), ako naman si pader na di magiba, lagi ang sagot ‘not now’. Ewan ko ba, hindi ko mahanap ang will to be available ko that time (and until now). Edi he said that he will wait and he pursue me unstoppably on fb but after I left his last message as seen one day, I never heard from him. Until after a week, I learned na he was back again with his ex-gf. After all those panunuyo and kind words, I WAS ALMOST A REBOUND. Muntik na, nako. Anyway, wise decision minsan ang maging di magibang pader. So… yung last msg niya nga pala is, good night baby.

Malapit na akong gumraduate pero wala pa din akong love life. Well, ayun talaga ang usapan namin ng kuya. Pero minsan nakakabother na yung feeling na hindi ko na nga maabot yung quota ng dean’s lister, pati ba naman yung cut off para maging potential girlfriend? Sobra naman po ata yun.

So, bumalik ako sa school nun ng walang bagaheng mabigat dahil nangako ako sa sarili ko na magiging free spirited at independent woman ako ngayong college.

And I failed, I am dependent sa friends na na gain ko (no regrets) and maraming nagsasabi na parang ang hirap ko daw i-approach. Sige, ano pang mali?! Kidding aside, I don’t want to be that girl na laging nasa sulok at nagmumukmok kaya I changed my college lifestyle. Sinubukan ko ulit i open ang aking arms to more opportunities like accepting friend request na kahit di ko knows basta taga Nu, accept agad. I learned the hard way na eh, classmate ko na pala dinideadma ko pa. Hindi magandang aura yun girl.

Edi accept na fb requests si ate girl, may sumubok ulit gumiba pero hindi nagpabaya. Tagal ko kaya ginawa yan. Una, halata naman playtime lang for short time mga yun kaya no thanks nalang. But kasabay ng pag accept syempre may inadd din si ate mo girl.

5. Si boy#5, second year college ko yata siya naging bet. (Long term lagi crushes ko) From college of engineering, mechanical major. Course palang ang appeal na, pano pa nung nalaman ko dean’s lister pa? (Inggit ate mo girl) so ayun may kambal siya. First ko talaga yun naging crush since ka-college ko yun and I remember him when we were enrolling, sabay kami lagi sa pila but we never talked. Until I met engr (pet name ko sakanya hihi). NO WE DON’T MET PALA. We just saw each other somewhere sa school, I’m not even sure kung kilala na niya ako. But guess what, I find him first on Instagram and followed him. Well, he followed me back, I know, very much expected. (I had it screenshot and it’s been a year ago). After a couple of months and a couple of kasabay sa elevator did I added him on fb. Minsan I fooled myself by thinking na he’s walking pabalik balik in front of me para magpapansin kasi if you are friends with my friends, ewan ko nalang kung di ka mapansin ng crush mo. Maybe he knew me as someone who’s into him and want to prove something to himself. I’m good at pretending I’m ok in the outside naman kaya I think na all this time, I’ve been keeping a straight face. Until just recently, I didn’t expect to be with him on a seminar. He was literally behind my seat. That was the closest time I was ever to him. Happiest day, I even heard him talk for 3 minutes and that was freaking long. He was talking about their proposed product but I didn’t really listen, I was busy admiring him. Though after that day, he greeted someone on Ig with heart emoji (which is very unlikely of his usual posts) and a comment implying that he like the girl. Which is heartbreaking of course. Pero he still do his antics whenever I’m around and I know, I’m so assumera. Whatever, until I haven’t found a new potential crush, he still topped my list. Iba pa rin kasi yung effect niya sakin when he is around, kilig talaga. Even though,

6. Boy#6 confuses me to the utmost level. Present, college, 3rd year level. Dahilan kung bakit may ganitong entry. I met this guy just this year. Classmate ko sa dalawang subject at dahil trip ako ng tadhana, magkatabi pa sa upuan. Hindi pa yata siya masaya kaya ginawa pa kaming magkagrupo. Masyadong mahaba kung ikukuwento ko mula umpisa. Basta he gave me extra attention that made me extra careful and extra assumera. Feeling ko may sparks, may something between his words and actions. Which made him different from the others, with actions na kasi. Alam mo yun, pinafeel sayong special ka. Pero joke time lang pala. This time, I thought baka ito na, I was almost ready to break down the di magiba wall by myself. Almost. After he thought borrowing my things is fun just to have a reason to chat me and keep them for himself. After carrying my bag for me, after keeping his eye on me and asking thoughtful questions showing he cared, after staying by my side in every group discussion and during the whole week of event. Tell me nag assume lang ako, after always catching my eyes to whisper what you want to say because you were across the room, you never do that with anyone, madami tayo that time. Ok, nag assume ako. Kasi after that night, I was almost excited to see you the next school day but we were too exhausted from the event we had a long weekend to take a break. I was thankful to have that, to sort my feelings out and thoroughly analyze the pros and cons. You text me the next day, implying your departure for your Ilocos trip even after drinking alcohol last night. I replied implying that you should take care. I wish you didn’t have to do those things, implying everything. Ok nag assume ako kasi when you get back, I thought we’re good but you made friends with all our other classmate, you do not have to pay me all your attention, they had you. But you made sure not to lose me, I still had you. Until one night, I have our mutual friends with me on our way home, I felt drained from all the school works and lectures because I was there since morning. Di ko alam na hindi lang ako uuwi ng pagod, broken hearted pa. We saw you… with a girl beside you. I knew you with a lot of girl friends, that was fine. But it was different this time, you came from a date. I was almost sure I looked tired but I managed to smile. While walking back home, I expected you would text me. You did, and you have to rub it in me that you had dinner with that girl. I can’t even think how to reply, so I left our conversation with our exchanged joke. Ok I get it. We were living on a different page. Nag assume nga lang ako.

PERO, dahil tanga si ate girl, I still helped you and ditch my class in the middle of discussion just to come get you, the school guard won’t let you in without an Id lace. Never ka nag complete uniform, ewan ko sayo. Naiinis ako kasi sa ating dalawa, ako lang ang apektado. Pero kahit na makipagusap ka pa sa friend ng nililigawan mo sa harap ko, I won’t show you how affected I am. Kahit na bumanat ka pa ng words na kinahulugan ko dati, I won’t let it happen again. Sawa na kasi ‘to maging option. Madami kasi masyadong choices pero never naman pinili. Ok lang. Ok lang talaga ako. Magiging immune din ako sa presence mo, matagal-tagal pa to since may thesis pa tayo. Pero again, ok lang ako.

Ngayon, let me acknowledge the fact that my feelings was once again rejected. Hoping I wouldn’t have to add another brick on this wall, hoping I could still see the other end of everything then soon,

I promise I will be fine again.



F E B 2 8 , 2 0 1 8

Out of the blue, story

F E B. 0 6 , 2 0 1 8


Can I just say how I’m scared of so many things right now?

I’ve been typing-deleting everything since the beginning of the year because everything does not seem so right to talk about. Not that this one is the best one, but I feel like I have to let it out or I’ll never get over it.

Okay first, the midterm exam exhausted me so much. It was over just this Monday, a week of killing brain cells isn’t so much fun. Now that results are coming up, I can’t help but be anxious about how it’s going to be. Wish me well because I’m lowkey targeting dean’s lister average. Tough girl you have here! Just kidding. (I’m no tough, hence this entry)

Second, Intense hair fall. I don’t know when it started but I am so close to freaking out if it won’t stop within this month. It’s been going for a month (I think) and I feel like I’m getting bald coming these days. I’m starting to get all health conscious slash paranoid because it does not stop there. I have a slight lump under my left ear but it should not be normal if I am not currently cold or have flu. So why the hell is it there?? I’m scared because I also started to get slight head ache from some moments in a day or when I’m thinking hard (normal, i know) and after a long day (normal too when u think of it)But still, I think I need a check up so I could stop self-diagnosing here.

Thirdly, I really want this separate from this entry. Yikes! Gonna get cringeworthy in 321…

I’m feeling super ultra mega worthless and simply not enough.

There I said it.

It might be my monthly strong hormones but it might be not. There is this one day when the universe decided to make fun of me and made me feel all the unwanted things altogether at that moment. I’ve been thinking this over and I thought it would just be right to be one of the things I should be fearing right now but at this very moment that I’m writing this, IT’S NOT. And it seems funny and out of place. So I decided.. no, I should probably stop right now and wish everyone a good day. And that’s what I’m exactly gonna do.

Ciao peeps, have a good life!


Memories, story

D E C. 2 3 2 0 1 7


Two more days before Christmas!! This holiday so far is doing great (pls don’t jinx), I mean we have handful of gifts underneath the 3ft. Christmas tree we borrowed from my aunt. (Ok, some were actual things here and was wrapped for fun, my mama everyone) Anyway, it amplifies the vibes for the season- the way it lights up or the disco-ball-flowered-shape way of lighting it up. No pessimistic comments allowed.

How good am I doing right now? Peachy. Bros and sis are out doing whatever they wanna do and it pleases my mama while she relents my presence at home with her. On usual days, I’d rather stay home than do things that involves socializing. I hate them. BUT NOT TODAY, I really want to go some place where I could actually enjoy holidays. I’ve been bugging my parents to drive me to where tons of Christmas lights and displays are publicly open. I stopped since I just know it won’t get me anywhere.

It’s just now that I realize and was able to answer my question earlier. Firstly, I was really anxious about my older brother and sister planning to go out mid noche buena to meet with some friends. I don’t understand because why ditch your family for some friends on Christmas? Why of all the days?

It was this- aside from the earned responsibility (my sis’), family don’t provide the happiness you’re looking for anymore. We grew up and it’s fine to be somewhere else parents/families are not. Adulthood is exciting and sucks like that. (Sentiments…)

Anyway about (hating) socializing, I’ve learned this just today too. So, I always get paranoid after a party or a simple gathering.

Did I do it right? I mean I was nice enough right? Do they think I’m weird? Or maybe plain brat and snob? Omg, they knew my family as easy going, am I too stiff?

Stuff like that and it’s not even half of it. Anyway, before my sisters went off to a party, they actually invited me but I refuse (shocker). They kept on persuading me until they gave up and accidentally (or not) spill some juicy news to me. Not really news since I expected them pretty much but still different now that it’s confirmed. I went with them on previous parties (with church mates) I don’t attend on theirs every Sunday for a long time but I know them and it’s what makes it weird. I thought I am improving since I tried hard not to slack off on the side and actually join them on pictures and tried to converse (but not really start one) BUT GUESS WHAT, I was still the less-fun-sister to them. I am still the seems-hard-to-get-along-with, the not familiar one, the who-is-she-I-thought-you-were-only-four.

BLACK SHEEP- that’s what I am. Middle child tends to be them, they say.

Usually I don’t take it hard like I AM REALLY USED TO THOSE WORDS, I AM. But now that I am actually trying hard to fit in and making an effort to be known, it’s hard to be OK. I’ve been setting aside my introvert self for everyone and they don’t know how uncomfortable it made me feel but I do it anyway. Because that is the right thing to do, mama says. I smile to everyone and watch them and observe how I should behave but it still didn’t get me anywhere. That is what’s making me stop and not try at all. Sometimes I think it’s not worth it, they are not even my friends. They are my siblings’ friends.

Wow I am being defensive that it take me that long to describe. Anyway, I know better now (so I thought) I know when to shut up and speak up. And I always say to myself- not now, sweetheart, when I try to speak up. So the former always wins. It’s hard to like my self when everyone’s hating it. I have no evidences to prove them wrong either. I got no one to back me up, points for them. They were right the whole time.

ANYWAAAAY, I’m way too excited to open up my gifts. It’s just sad that I wasn’t able to buy for the people I owed. I don’t know because I’m broke and can’t get my priorities straight. Why would I buy for one person and forget the others, that would be unfair, so I ended up not buying at all. What a happy holiday it is.



Out of the blue, story

N O V 2 1 . 2 0 1 7


It must be a good day coming back to school- it was supposed to be. While my friends were probably warming up with each other again, here I am, watching movie in marathon. They must have their day started with a good breakfast and a purpose for the day, it wasn’t always that we got the first day that’s not a Monday. Who loves Monday anyway? I do.

While they got out of the bed preparing for school, I was on mine for the whole day. Or not really. I kinda enjoyed my day actually. I gotta watch Captain America for 4 hours, who am I to complain? And other good looking people that wasn’t me. Just kidding! I mean actors, they are fun to watch. While I grabbed my coffee at 10am, I figured my sis and bros leave me no choice to skip breakfast. I have showered a little earlier before warming up my stomach, must have forgotten my favorite time for a meal. There’s just a lot on my mind the moment I opened my eyes this morning. Oh, they were going out again while I stay here. Oh, I can’t be mad I don’t have a word on this situation. Oh no, I have to change clothes (u know) before I make myself a mess, aunt flow just visited me after two months. Oh, I think the history will repeat again (soon). The history I never want to go over again. Ever.

So while I sipped on a coffee with my hair on a braid just about to dry, I scrolled through the movies our laptop have. The charger is brand new, it’s just about this time we got our hands back to this thing. I’m thankful just now. I always thought that the money spent for this could have help me on my school expenses instead, guess that was just my selfishness speaking. Moving on, the list weren’t many but they are the ones I haven’t seen before, I should be good.

So these are my choices and you can’t judge me for this:

Best in me

The Ant-Man

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)

Captain America: Civil War (2016)

Romance to Action-Comedy to Avengers to I don’t know. They just happened to be pointed by the cursor, I guess. No, I actually planned watching Best in me since yesterday after Tomorrow’s Land but I got no time. Today was perfect and I had the Ant-Man preview too that made me interested so I went in. It was pretty good, I thought it’s gonna be my fave Marvel Movie… until I saw Captain America. Damn, that dude was hot (I can’t literally imagine my self saying this, sounds funny to me) I am never really into this kind of movie but when it’s on my face, I don’t really mind. I liked the scenes more than the story but yeah, I skipped the CA first part wherein it shows how he began and all. No, I take it back, I think I liked the story too- friendship is a big deal. So, I am just glad I’d be sleeping knowing I never regretted being useless today because… Captain America. Yeah, I’m pretty much into him, I’m obviously on his team!

I’ll tell you something else that is funny. After the coffee, I realized I’m gonna be dehydrated if I kept going like this for the whole day. So why not bring something with me, I got no popcorn (I realized it just now, made me sad) I got myself a water and this is what I think about me: ‘Spending my day binge-watching whatever with a glass in hand pretending it was a wine or something but it actually tastes nothing- just water. I know, low budget rebellion is what it is.’

I actually had that noted upon realizing so I could put it in this entry. I was funny like that. Pathetically funny.



l e a n a

Memories, story

N O V 1 6 . 2 0 1 7


I was decluttering my things when I saw this from one of my notepads. I tore it up to dab on a spilled water. I guess I used something else and save this one to read later on. Then when I did, I was pulled in my alternate universe, again.

The words and sentences were technically wrong but who cares. If you try to understand the underlying meaning, you will get her idea. But it’s different for me, because I was the writer of this one. This is me from a particular time, on a particular circumstance.

I remember vaguely in my head how I was literally half lying on a table doing an assignment, I got really tired of thinking and feeling not enough. I flip a page from where I was writing and scribble everything that’s been blocking my mind since I sat down to study.

This was just one of those days.

There were a lot of instances that I couldn’t count off but this was luckily journalized. This is me with my thoughts cluttered, was out of herself and feeling empty inside. This is me begging and utterly desperate.

This is the me that I hated most.

Although she feels lost, she always find her way to distract me and ruin just… everything.


l e a n a

Out of the blue, story

N O V . 9 2 0 1 7


I’m in the middle of the sembreak and I have been doing nothing particularly fun. If reading a novel a day is fun, then I guess at least I’m having one.

Somehow I couldn’t seem to put my life back together and feel better while I’m trying to make it through, you know surviving life. I always thought I have it figured out. Months ago I was walking and knowing I am capable of being anything I always wanted to be or should be, for the matter. But I guess I was wrong, I always am.

Looking back to my life almost 3 years ago, as I scroll through my journal, I thought I never want to stand on that position again. The 16 year old me sound so sad and lonely. Nowadays, I felt her creeping up inside me again, she’s peeking and I’m doing my best not to let her in.

When I look through the list of journals I wrote years back with intermittent intervals in between 3 years. I seemed really hopeless but it was me on that very time. That time seem perfect and I am able to express my emotions. But most of them were the times I was heavyhearted. And I wished I wrote more when I was really ecstatic or just about my out-of-the-blue realizations and spur of the moment happiness.

I honestly thought on writing about those things and I tried but when you’re at it, it would look so unnecessary. Although, just now, I realized that my future self would not mind reading those stuff. At this point, I’d gladly look back on those that I don’t regret of doing and just about pure bliss and happiness. I wished I didn’t overlooked them and let it bypass. I cling to my sorrow longer than my delight.

And just like that, my words began to sway with the wind as it lost in the sky. I wonder when will I see them again.