Events, Memories, story, To whomever

Mata, atode. 

I miss you our not-so-little ball of sunshine. 

Happy birthday! It was supposed to be your fourth year with us and unfortunately you were not here anymore. You left us without so much heads up, it was unfair, I would say. I was at school that time stressing my self out for our turn in reporting for finals requirement. I didn’t expect to hear that you were gone before we had the chance to visit you, I am truly sorry, we are. 

Two days before you left I could just vaguely remember how lively you’ve been when you greeted me when I came back home, just like the old times. Then you were very sick the next day, I updated my siblings of your condition since they were at work and I was just off to uni. I am very busy from all the work school is demanding but I will forever remember how you’ve been my stress reliever and how happy I’ve always been coming home for your hugs and sloppy kisses(licks). After a long day, those were the last things I would always look unto but you’re gone. Imagine how everyday felt so unfamiliar without your presence. 

You know how emotional I always turned to be in simplest situation. I’ll just go up to you and you talk to me with your eyes, yours were my favorite. I am currently like this because it’s the first of June and I’m home alone when I suddenly smell a lighted candle. I remembered you and felt like I owe you a lot. 

I didn’t cry when you left. Maybe because of all the things that is going on in my head that time and it drained me already. It left me void and unable to feel anything (you know how it was) but it goes on like any other days. I miss you so much, you would have made me feel better by now if you were here. 

Maybe it’s true that we’re not ready for you. Four years with us but you deserve better than our insufficient shelter but you know that we care for you a lot. I always imagine you with us when we finally move out but you can’t wait any longer before it happened. But know that your departure is also one thing that we aren’t ready for. 

Now that I am remembering you, I can’t help the image to flash the last time I saw you. (I swear my phone is playing songs as I am writing this- np: photograph. Coincidence?) You were helpless and we didn’t know how much pain is taking toll on you that you can bear it no more. We thought that you’ll be fine when we(they- im at school) bring you to vet, and you did. We expect you to come home after 30 hours as the doctor instructed, but you didn’t make it. 

It’s sad and depressing. We all miss you and we are sorry. We took care of you but you deserve more than what we’ve given you. And now, we know, you’re at peace and we wish nothing but that. 

You did what you have to do, you made us all happy. You made all the people who met you, happy. 

We promise that we won’t get another dog until we’re ready. That time, you’ll come around, I know. See you by then. 

xx

– L s s

JUNE 1 2017 | 9 : 51 AM

Events, story, To whomever

N i n e t e e n t h

..and the clock hits 12.

Tick tack tick tack

Just like any other night, I struggle to make myself sleep because I had a lot of things going on in my mind. But today was different, it was special, or it was supposed to be rather. I will be turning 19 soon, I mean, later. I’ve had this moment imagined a thousand times in different scenes and with different people in my head. I was maybe having a good time with some friends out of town as we get giddy and hyped about the turning event. Maybe I was with my happy family who never mind how late it gets when they are having a nice time, and we will count down like how we do on new years. But here instead, the lights are off and people are silent. With my phone lighting up in front of my face- I screenshot the exact time I was waiting for and murmur a silent- happy birthday, self.

What an exciting story to tell! 

I am always, always excited about birthdays, specifically mine. Because I know, that is when I get special attention and of course presents. I love being remembered. Also, I have all the reasons and excuses to be happy. 

Out of all those things said, the last part was the most applicable at this time. Forget everything I said before that line and I’d be happy to have that feeling in an instant. These past few days was rough. It is an old news but it never wears. I will always be an emotional wreck in the most uncertain times. Hence, makes me work hard to convince the people around me and my self that I am actually super freaking fine. I promise. I get super agitated and upset about the things I realized for myself (that is for another entry) and it is far from helping. I may be discretely hard and pessimistic at some times, I am trying my best to see things from the other side. I remember the pastor said that good things are seen after passing the dark side. There is always one, just believe.

Despite everything that has happened and whatever it is to happen, I can only give myself this message:

Dear self,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You are 19 and you can reach twice that year (and more) if you will continue doing what you are doing and never stop growing everyday. Trust me when I say that you’ve always been your best when your heart is at peace. Please make it happen as often as you can. When you are frustrated, remember to breathe the stress out , calm your mind and take a break. Then pray. 

He makes the rages stop and wipes the tears of cry. 

You know it was never wrong to follow your heart. Because the decisions you can only come up in your head are rushed and spur of the moment. You experience it yourself, make it be your reminder.

You’ve been strong in the past year and you will always be. I am so proud how well you handle situations now, especially your emotions. I am proud that you’ve been always understanding even when it’s hard to be one. I wish that you will stand on your principles in life and never forget to be grateful at all times. I pray that your faith will grow more and gives you guidance as you take on the life. 

To the more mature you will become in the year to come, we cheer! 

The success is always within you, you’ll just have to carve harder and it will shine. 
Happy birthday, young lady. 

God bless you and He loves you. 

 ⁃ L S S

APRIL 25, 2017

Memories, story

Birthday Confession

I, leana (jokes on me- not my real name), 19- have finally made my feet step on the grounds of ENCHANTED KINGDOM for the very first time! (APRIL 26,2017)

Yes, i can’t tell you how much I loved theme parks but man, I am made for these places. That is one of the places I definitely belong to. I don’t know if it’s just the excitement but I never felt tired the whole time we spent there until we spotted the food park in the evening and my stomach has to grumble waiting to be noticed. 

Although we had a hard time getting to the location, we had a good time. I am able to try atleast 9 rides and experienced 4D for the first time. Honestly, the limited time we had was too short to tear me out completely, I wanted to ride them all extreme ones! I even want to ride the second time each of them to ease my initial shock and actually enjoy the ride and experience. 

Although I had great friends with me and we were there to celebrate my 19th birthday. I wished that they were hyped as me to get on every ride on every opportunity we got and not just to take aesthetic pictures when they are not as determined to take good pictures when it comes to others. Or maybe it was just me, maybe I killed their vibe because whenever we took pictures, I posed awkwardly and trying hard to smile to the camera. It was never my forte to model myself and look good on candid. NEVER. 

I hated it when my mouth shows too much gums whenever I laugh and my eyes were hidden because they were too small. I hated the shape of my face because no angle could deny how awful it looks and don’t forget my poise and gestures! My hands were flying everywhere, my feet is standing on toes or pointing or swaying on the side or crossing, I may stumble one of this days because of my clumsiness whenever I see the lens in front of me. 

Sometimes I felt like a hypocrite and being ungrateful makes me feel bad. I felt like they are holding me back and I hated them for making me feel that way. Although they don’t have to worry because the problem is all on me, because I can’t really handle my insecurities well, when I always say that it is fine to be who you really are. I can’t mingle with the fun people and jump from one place to another. I’d rather have the wind slapping me in the face when I am on the highest peak the extreme ride can get. They were just everything that I am not and sometimes it makes it hard to stay friends with everyone. 

I wish they didn’t joke how bad the place was because someone was actually afraid of heights and all they do on my favorite ride was hang onto me like I was the last chance they could grab to make them stay alive. Why they didn’t tell me that they can’t do the ferris wheel before we took off but announced that we should save the best for last? I am supposed to savor the last moment and enjoy the skyline, but I tried to understand and let my arms be the last handle she could cling onto for the whole ride. I tried filming and take pictures on one hand but it’s still depressing. I still tried to laugh and joke with them. I though it was fine, I guess not. 

I want to go back! I believe that I haven’t fulfilled the magic the theme park is supposedly saying. I have to go back there and I am absolutely going back. 
I just hope that when time comes, I’d be with the right people who enjoys the same thing as me. 

 – L S S
M A Y 1 , 2 0 1 7

Out of the blue, story

She’s trying, you know

Despite all the contradictions of what she believed she can do, she wants to see how capable she is if she tried.

How many times had she fell down from her high expectations? How many times had she disappoint people around her? How many times had she lost hope? Faith? Herself?

She lost count.

She often forget what her goal is, what she really wants. She often ask herself if there is really something she is passionate about. All her life, she get no answer.

But that does not really stop her, no, those low scores on her papers don’t. Not even the fact that someone she knew continuously achieve what she also wants for herself. No. No matter how much pressure her parents put on her shoulder won’t make her stop. Because she believe that if she keeps on trying, she will succeed.

Atleast, that is what she believed.

Most of the time she was unsure of what she’s really doing. She doubt her decision before seeing the outcome. Although how much she hates when things got out of hand, she manage to face the risks.

She hates seeing everything fell down before her eyes but she realized that it is the only thing she could do at that unfortunate time. But she managed, she can manage.

She is not exactly, you know, optimistic; she tried to be one but it’s not really suits her best. She has her worst times because she struggles and that is normal.

She is just the girl who goes on even with her eyes close.

She knows how life works and she’s fine with that. She is fine despite the unfairness and cruelty of reality. She knows how happiness can sometimes last the moment you least expect it, so she learned to grasp every chance she has.

Because everything is worth a try, she always put in her mind.

She do not trust anyone when they say that she is beautiful. While she could not see the good in her, she know better than to give up. And I think that is the best quality about her.

Always sees that failure are one step to victory. 
– L S S

APRIL 10, 2017 | MONDAY

Inspire

Carpe diem

At some point, we may seem to find ourselves lost in track or we seemed to be forgetting our life goal. We tend to over analyze the things we should be doing right away but instead, we were stuck thinking of the most probably worst scenario we could ever come up to. 

We caged ourselves in the idea of probabilities and chose not to face the reality. We hinder ourselves from seeing the light because we chose to be in the dark, to be kept there. We let our souls get locked on the misery we only made ourselves. We never give ourselves a chance to witness our abilities because we cover our eyes even before it starts. We stick our hands together rather than pulling it apart because it has never occur to you that you were actually tied up. 

Loosen up. Loose your self but never lose it. Try to look at things in different angle and you will see, how beautiful being different is. 

Carpe diem. Seize the day. Pluck the day. Enjoy yourself while you have the chance. Those were the words you commonly hear from people who wanted to motivate you to live your life to the fullest. In modern way, it is stated as YOLO or you only live once.

Carpe diem. Grab whatever that opportunity in your plate and make the most out of it. You were not good enough? Who ever said that does not have faith even in herself. Because a determined person believes in herself as much as she believe in everybody. Pessimism has no room in her circle. She collects optimism as much she can get. Even if it’s the only thing that keeps her faith from falling in the edge of wilderness, she will hold onto it. She will not fall. She will fly, like the butterfly that she is. She will fly against the course of the wind, strong and mighty like she is taught to be. She has the ability of believing herself. For she know, that in this cruel world, that is bravest thing she could ever do. 

Carpe diem. Love him. Love her. Love like you have never been broken before. Love like you have not experience to give your heart just to have it squished hard. Love harder. Although there is no assurance of receiving it back, do it so. Because you know what? That is love. Always bear in mind that to fail is better than not trying at all. It applies generally in all aspects of life. Who knows that by trying, we let the other people see the opportunities they were taking for granted, the diamonds they thought were copper. Dig for the moment you have in your dreams for a while now. It will never happen if you won’t make it happen. There is perfect timing, indeed. But what if we make some twist and make this time perfect. This time that you were living on your happiest form. This time that you forgot to think what you were over thinking about. It’s the time, it’s your time- always has been. 

Carpe diem. Take note for yourself: it’s not always waiting. 
Carpe diem. Make yourself feel the freedom and taste the assortments of emotions. Make room for new things and open the doors for opportunities. Do not turn your head from possibilities, look back to remind yourself that today is always worth it. That you are worth it. 

Carpe diem. Wake up today and wear the clothes that makes you feel better. You flaunt it because you were amazing like that. Smile on the bright sunny day even if it hurts your eyes, relax yourself and close it for a little while. You will realize that everything just takes time. You will open your eyes again and look up to the sky like it never hurt you on the first time. You will continue walking because you are leading to where you are supposed to be. The path that is rightfully made for you, exclusively. Do not try to hide the marks from your previous steps, every piece of that is a significant mile stone. Those were lessons that you will keep and learn from. Those marks do not define you but those are what makes you, you. 
On this process, you will not have to step on to anybody, because you are busy stepping onto the runway that is allotted for you. Do not let the people along the way hold you back. Try to mingle and get along but never forget your purpose on the very beginning. 

Gone are the days where you look at life as a bore. Spontaneous becomes bonded next to your name. The world becomes your playground as you enjoy your game which is life. 

One at a time, everything is changing. Do not fret for change is the only constant in this world. Go with the flow and take your soul with you and travel the unending uncertainties. They were most beautiful when you are with a peaceful mind and heart. 

Carpe diem. Amidst of the crazy twirls of life events and quick pace of heart beat. They were a good sign of future exciting events. Always crave for that feeling and do not dwell on plain light things. Hardships are the best teacher. Learn to never limit yourself of the great things. Even though sometimes, we mistake them as just instances we could passed through. Embracing the goodness of bitter things is like tasting the tears of pure happiness. They can be confusing but you will get the hang of it eventually. Trust me when I say that everything will be fine when you live according to your strong will and life principles. 
Never stopped believing in numerous of what you can be just because of the few of you can never be. 

Life is full of choices. Choose the best option. You are free of achieving your aspirations. You can be whatever you wanted to be. 

Just please do yourself a favor, carpe diem. 

-LSS | March 22, 2017

(Back story: helped a friend to write an essay, came up with this. Fulfilling.)

story

Scraps

I was taking up my exam that time when you suddenly cross my mind. I was unconsciously smiling when I slightly had lost the idea of how to solve the numbers in front of me. I’ve loved math. And you manage to meet me in the midst of my deepest concentration. That thought scared me. 

I cannot have a distraction. This can’t be. 

But I remembered our almost close interaction in the hallways, stairs and the library not so long before my exam. I was motivated. 
Is this the thought they were talking about?

“How can be something this good be so bad?”
How can my motivation be my destruction?
And then I saw you there. Sitting with your friends. I spotted you almost immediately, you just stand out. I didn’t realize that I am already smiling to myself. You were looking my way. 

There is something wrong, though.

I don’t want to admit it, but it’s your eyes. 

It’s the same mesmerizing pair but they don’t look so inviting to me, they aren’t calling to me anymore. Why are they so distant?
“Hey, isn’t he the guy you were talking about?”
Said my other friend walking behind us (w/ other friend). 
I smiled at her when I turned my head. “It’s him.” As I replied, it turned out sad. I think I knew it. 
“He was totally looking at you.” She mused me. 
I looked at you again, you look good in the panel. I hope you were doing great on that event. 
My eyes tried to follow your line of vision that seems to be anywhere but me. 
And it landed to where the voice was,

“Totally…” my lips uttered, 

(not) my mind added. 
-LSS | February 23,2017

Inspire, Out of the blue

Self love

Dear self,
There are tons of things you should be doing right now but your mind do not want to operate so you opt for what you think could calm it a bit. 

Write a little something that will make you feel good about your shitty self. And guess what, it happens all the time but even writing do not seem to be working anymore. How many drafts were in your trash bin that was long forgotten because after 3 sentences, every ideas vanishes. 

What is the accurate feeling of your unspoken mind? You never figure out. Isn’t horrible? Nope, it’s more than that. 
While there are indeed tons of things you need to accomplish at the moment like school stuffs- I want to remind you of the things you NEED to stop doing. ASAP. 

1. I want you to stop overthinking. First things first. Everything I would say would fall into this category because there is so much in your mind that is affecting your physical aura that you are unaware of. Stop the what if’s and just live the life. 

2. I want you to stop letting your friends affect your perspective in a bad way. You have your fair perception you made yourself, so don’t let them bother yours with them. There is no wrong with the friendship as long as their idea wouldn’t kill you.  
3. Stop comparing. Your life is the way it is because it should be like it. It should never be like those that you saw on others with your naked eye. Because you know what? You deserve more than that. Believe me. 
4. Stop controlling the things out of your hands. I hope you figure out that once you let things be, that is when you will find happiness. Adjust your mindset and focus only on all what you have. 
5. Stop mourning over petty things. Just because your hair does not turned out how you want it to be, you get to ruin your whole day. I hope you see that there is more than the looks you try to rock. Appreciate compliments and consider yourself lucky every time you get one. You’re way prettier that you’ll ever realize. 

6. Stop the messy life, declutter. There are so many ways to do this, even Youtube can help you. You’ve binge-watch shows on there, spend it on more useful videos and teach yourself. Life hacks, 101 Tips, remind yourself that you will only consider the rational ones. Internet sometimes is confusing. 
7. Stop complaining. Be grateful. Scenarios in your mind are bound to be destructive, that is when you’ll start seeing life differently and unappreciatively to what is really happening. Simple things matters. Remember, it was your mantra long ago. Smile on the things that bothers you and thank that you are actually making a progress little by little. You will get through whatever your situation you’re in. Kick ass and be optimistic.

There is more in life. Keep your head up and don’t get tired on expecting good things. Life is full of surprises. You can do it, girl!
Love you ❤️

-LSS | February 22, 2017

Inspire

Get over it

There’ll be mountains of dialogues stack on your head right now on how do you want to begin your new year. While I have my fair share on it, I decided to have a couple of words to finalize my great ideal 2017. 

Just because it’s the simpliest does not mean it will come at easy. No life is easy. I only want to stay like how it is and do not delve much on the complex. It’s easier that way in this non-easy life. 

I am going to rock this year with relax posture with sass! Kidding aside, 2017, come at me! 

Events, Memories, Uncategorized

Behind the year 2016

2016 didn’t fail me when it said, “it’s gonna be an eventful year”.

If anything, I failed it.

I was thankful for everything that happened throughout the year. It made me so much happier to see things differently, to experience awesomely great things.
Indeed, God was able.

From the beginning, I laid my heart out to Him, for the past year I’ve become miserable then decided to lean on His decision instead and this all happened.

I could now just barely feel the anxiety and pain I experience last year. Honestly, it’s coming back once in a while. I’m still in the process of healing and I think that the trauma would be there for much longer time but it will be okay.

I don’t know how much change it caused me but it makes me crave for one. I always want to be hungry for a change. That is for sure.

It was one of the things I learned from life, that change is the only permanent thing in this world. So, I would hold on to it because it would always be my last chance.

Acceptance was the hardest part of moving ahead but it was definitely a leap to take, it was that time when you realize that “I’m so done.” And I think that’s a progress.

Because once you overcome the fear of embracing the reality, that is when you will live it. And then, you will realize, that it is not that bad. You’ve learned to see every good things in smaller details and that will make you special. How you treat life is how it will treat you.

I would love to share every memorable experience I had this year and I’d love to have it here.

I had an adventure.

So, I’ve been to Nueva Ecija with some friends. It’s one for the books since it’s the first long distance trip (i think) I have gone with my self (technically)- I mean, with no relatives connected, ya know. Just the parent of my one friend who didn’t really mind our business but sure keeping an eye on us. It’s a 3-day get away, hey!! Loved every memories there. Also, I edited clips of me on the trip. It was no-pro type but I admire myself on my effort I put in there (lol)

Second time was mid April, it was with the same group of friends I was with on Nueva Ecija, but this time we got more than tripled! We ain’t complete but hey, t’was a bunch of craziness already. If we are, our favorite adviser wouldn’t able to handle us already. He was with us, that’s how cool he was. We’ve gone road tripping. It was the best one yet. Not perfect but enough. We spent the midnight on road and hit home on dawn. Although we spent the morning at our friends’ pad. We were hyped. That day was great!

I attended birthday parties.

For some reason, I appreciate being invited to birthday parties although I ain’t a hundred percent sure of coming, I always tried. It kind of brought me thinking that I am remembered (wow). These people sure meant to me too. If they weren’t I would not come any way. Thank you friends!

I had my OWN PARTY.

I turned 18.
Say what people?! Yup, I hosted a party. I had one. It kinds of freaks me now thinking that I really did. All thanks to people behind it, of course. I had so many break down before it though. I’ve been stressing on it so much, I didn’t realized how much it affect me mentally already. Nevertheless, it happened, I’m glad. There was a lot of arguments and push and pull of decisions so it ended up being abrupt and not a hundred percent prepared event.
^Honestly, there was this thing that I really sincerely wanted to feel but I can’t get myself to it. The genuine happiness. Everytime I think of the party, I wanted to feel how beautiful I was that time. How magical the moments are. There’s just none. But I never mention it to them. Not any chance.
I don’t know why. But maybe, it was because of the beforemath, I wasn’t completely feeling my self. I felt like, I was only pulling it out from them selfishly. Maybe, I felt drained from all the emotions I stressed my self to. My heart hurts just from thinking how ungrateful I felt despite being beyond blessed I a truly am. I wanted to be happy. But this is not about this. This is not the happiness my heart craves.

I had my first job.

It was one of my major goal this 2016 and promised my self to have one right after I turned 18. I was frustrated of my life the past months before then, I felt so useless and just unreal. I pursue on finding one, I am just lucky to have a friend to help me get this job. She was working there for her On the job training and the store needed more staff that time. So I grabbed the opportunity, honestly, blindly. It’s just sad, I’m almost unsure. Our other friend was there too, we both got hired but she left after a day. Without so much conviction, I continued. Days and days passed, I got used to it. I actually loved the placed and my chores. Until schedules got out of hand, salary isn’t fixed and I felt violated for all the policies that seem to be applied unfairly. Although, I loved the people there, I was aloof at first for they are not my age. They were all on mid 20’s and up. They helped me a lot, more than they knew. I trained there for almost 2 months. It wasn’t bad for my first time. I was a server/cashier, managing the cash bank was fun. It was my first dream job, oh, childhood. It was a good experience, tiring but worth it.

I came back to school.

After a year and half, I am back. It got a little complicated on my first two weeks since I was still working on the restau that time. I had a hard managing my time that it always left me exhausted, mentally and physically. My plans of being a strong part time student shattered right there. I could never survive. I chose school, my mother thought other wise. I think that she cannot and will never understand my situation that time, we had misunderstanding. I tried to helped my self as much as I could standing up, shitty happens, it almost impaired me. Everyday I was a walking wreck.
I put so much effort to divert all my attention to my studies. I should get over everything and let it all be. So, I did. I believe that in every push I give myself, I am still leaving some of me behind. You know the feeling when you cannot completely give your all despite of wanting desperately? I failed. And I am not saying those because I failed, because if I achieved what I promised myself, I will not be saying this. I don’t know. Honestly. Trust me. I promised to help my brother who sends me to school. I promised to have that scholarship that will spare me from paying school fees a hundred percent. I failed. I’ve been praying for it. I failed. It’s not enough. I was almost there. I thought it was on my grasp already. For the many times again this year, my heart shattered.

But they let me continue for the next semester and now, I am obviously on a holiday break from school. I am still trying to find the right track. I am still working everything out. I will never stop. At least, not now.

I had the most eventful year ever. I don’t want to be cynical but for some reason, I was made to become one. I even want this entry to be an uplifted and only contains goody stuffs but I can’t help pouring everything out. I shouldn’t be sorry though since I made this site for a reason. It just happens that I can’t control my emotions sometimes.

I had my ups and downs and downs.

Every things happens for a reason. Phrase that I kept reminding myself every time I fail to meet my expectation.

The next year, I want to make it more about personal. I felt like I’m lacking of it. I felt like I’m never personally stable. If I want everything to be smooth, I should start it with actually building myself.

The next year, should be something I should be looking forward to.

-LSS.
DEC.22.2016

Out of the blue

Sad

I’m sad. 

No. I’m really sad. 

It could be anything until I put a word on it. It makes difference. You know, when you are certain of your feeling. Because, for the record- i never was. 

The reason of the feeling? I don’t really know. It was when there is nothing going on, I am this.

It was when I can’t make my self speak, I am this. And all I can ever do is write it down. Like today. But most of the time, I delete them afterwards. Because all I do was rant. And my rants were senseless and pointless. 

It was when something little bothers my mind, I am this. 

I’m a mess. But I’m silent. 

It’s the silence that suffocates me, not my favorite one. 

I am sad because my heart felt really heavy and I don’t know why. 

I don’t like how my family look at me because I could just see a glimpse of disappointment in them. Whether it is just me, but that is what I see. I hate my eyes. 

I don’t like sitting alone, because it makes me think how pathetic I look like on someone’s perspective and thought, why am I alone in the first place. 

I don’t like being dismissed. When I have a question, means I would love you to feed my curiousity. Because curiousity kills and I am not a cat with nine lives. 

I don’t like making my self laugh when I am not really happy. It feels like I’m digging myself deeper on the hole I am currently in. It’s not beautiful in here. 

Please help me out. 

Or, should I do it myself?

Yeah. 

Don’t worry. 

Well, i’m just sad. 

And everything that I said, does not really make sense to you. 

LSS | December 4,2016