Trying to live the preach I’ve heard many times, turning my worries into something hopeful plans.
It’s almost 1am now and my frustration wouldn’t allow me to take my rest and sleep. If you would ask me a month ago, I would just say that it wasn’t my time yet to worry about that. Little did I know that I am up for a surprise.
I am very anxious of how my OJT will work because whenever I look at the timeline and schedule I did just this afternoon, I seemed to be ambitious. Maybe I’m pushing way too hard on pursuing an overloaded unit on a trimester setup. 3 months is way too short for 5 subjects and 480hours on-the-job training. Should I listen to what one professor told me, “20 units, grabe naman yan. Ayoko,” said she when I am about to register my subjects.
That is one of my weaknesses, when someone I look up to, do not believe on what I can do. I just smiled at her and told her that I can squeeze that all in when at the back of my mind, I don’t have a concrete idea of what I am about to get into. But I went in.
And maybe that’s my problem. I keep looking for someone to show me that they believe in me, but I keep doubting myself. It’s a scenario I have encounter many times so, why can’t this be a lesson learned already?
Let’s make it one.
Remember last semester when you are about to take 4 major subjects? You thought you couldn’t survive but you did. You hustle, you prayed. You trusted God, you can do it again.
Second week of December. Finals. ‘hell week’. You had to attend your sister’s debut party, but you were cramming on your papers due to present and be revised. You said it was ok, you had the time properly managed. You were at the party, helping in organizing. You were not a ‘crowd person’ but you tried to wave through them and do your task. But everything makes your ticking bomb click faster. Until even your family got tired of simply hearing you out and understanding you. You exploded and everything shrunk- your mask of bravery, your nonexistent time management, your patience. You got home with an anxious heavy heart, you cried alone- hard. You were typing your presentation spiel with tears streaming down unstoppably. You worry you wouldn’t get up on time and be late for 8am call time the next morning.
You woke up with a swollen eyes and palpitating heart. Not knowing what is more effective to do; memorize your lines or spend the remaining time for a prayer. I am glad you did the latter. God made it so easy I didn’t know what good it made you. You did not even finish your first line when they cut you off because the time is over. Ah! I know what good it brought you, it spared you from shame! It’s a blessing and a punish, child. I could almost hear Him.
See what you got from overthinking? Nothing. Instead of worrying about it, get up and do it with your head help up WITH GOD ON YOUR SIDE. He hears you. You think you can’t do something? Leave it to Him, He is able.
It’s almost 2am and I wanted to end this journal turned rant with a prayer.
Lord, thank you for reminding me that you were there in every time we needed you. I heard your voice today regarding the conditional trust; please remove that from me. I unconsciously do it sometimes I admit but I wanted to change that thinking. Change my heart and fill it with pure intention and my mind to be eased and know that you are in full control. I know that you work beyond our expectations and you have in stored greater plans. This height I am about to jump? I have you as my wings, your wind will blow me towards my direction. And I can’t wait to see the path you made for me and tell me when I must jump again. Teach me to overcome my fears and be REALLY PASSIONATE of whatever you will allow me to do. Thank you for this time of meditation that you send your Holy Spirit to where I am and thank you because I can feel you are embracing me now, I need it badly. Shall we call it a night, Lord? I love you ❤
JAN 10 | 2:03 | THURS