APR 03 2018 ๐Ÿ‘ป

I need a moment to pause

Pause whatever I am doing right now because it’s not working anymore

Pause whatever I think is right because in reality… it’s not.

Not that I am not living in a reality but because I still think it is fictitious enough to not take it seriously.

I need to stop.

Stop ignoring the fact that I’m starting to lose it, you know, the spark;

The fact that my path isn’t as clear as it is before.

Before when I know what I wanted;

The times when I know why I’m doing something.

I don’t know anything anymore.

And it’s sad.

It makes me sad to realize that the more I’m trying to carve into the change; the more I am being pulled out from my home.

My home is the stillness of my being; you know, heart at peace and mind at ease. It’s where I always go back after my every turmoil, the restlessness of the surrounding. When everything is suffocating. There will I be able to breathe again.

The distance created mist on my visions, it pines on the serenity I once carry.

I am losing the spark.

I thought it was fine to be unsure of your tomorrow. I hold on to the promise that I should not because tomorrow will have to worry about itself. That is why I continued, I went on without any intention of accomplishing my plans, simply because – I don’t have any.

Can you please make me stop?

Stop me from sleepwalking into my own life. Stop me from blubbering gibberish words I do not even know where they came from. Stop me from thinking that everything is fine because… it’s not.

How many times will I have to say it? I. am. Not. Fine.

I need help. I want a fresh start.

Apr 3 | 10:31



I was taking up my exam that time when you suddenly cross my mind. I was unconsciously smiling when I slightly had lost the idea of how to solve the numbers in front of me. I’ve loved math. And you manage to meet me in the midst of my deepest concentration. That thought scared me. 

I cannot have a distraction. This can’t be. 

But I remembered our almost close interaction in the hallways, stairs and the library not so long before my exam. I was motivated. 
Is this the thought they were talking about?

“How can be something this good be so bad?”
How can my motivation be my destruction?
And then I saw you there. Sitting with your friends. I spotted you almost immediately, you just stand out. I didn’t realize that I am already smiling to myself. You were looking my way. 

There is something wrong, though.

I don’t want to admit it, but it’s your eyes. 

It’s the same mesmerizing pair but they don’t look so inviting to me, they aren’t calling to me anymore. Why are they so distant?
“Hey, isn’t he the guy you were talking about?”
Said my other friend walking behind us (w/ other friend). 
I smiled at her when I turned my head. “It’s him.” As I replied, it turned out sad. I think I knew it. 
“He was totally looking at you.” She mused me. 
I looked at you again, you look good in the panel. I hope you were doing great on that event. 
My eyes tried to follow your line of vision that seems to be anywhere but me. 
And it landed to where the voice was,

“Totally…” my lips uttered, 

(not) my mind added. 
-LSS | February 23,2017


Northern Side

I’ve come cross to one of this picture of mine posing along the walk path of botanical garden and reminisce my experience on theย  Northern part of Luzon. Lol

I also realised how I never wrote anything about my 48hour get away. It actually goes like this– i liked the idea of stepping foot on Baguio but not as much as I loved sitting on a bus for six hours enjoying the view. Tbh, the latter sounds much appealing to me.

It was almost lunch when we arrived at La Union (10 Aug). We were warmly welcomed by our relatives there. The feels were amazing, the air that I breathe was authentic but not really because their location was literally along side of the road so, but yeah, I was finally out of town! Yiz! The fact that I got to see mountains everytime i looked out was refreshing, it gave me chills that I don’t know, maybe giddy for how that day would go. The people were amazing too but the fact that I am a teen and my need to kid around was vanished when I learned that I’ll be actually surrounded by mature version of a person. (What am I saying tho?) Sitting and watching them talk is fantastic, like really fantastic that I actually want to smack my face into the table, fantastic. Luckily, I somehow got a companion, thanks to Kuya Jeboy for keeping me entertained by his stories and facts about the place. There he goes all ‘tourist guide’ on me and also photographer. (His shots are amazing that I have to figure out if am I being the subject of the photo or what and ’em like really where’s mah face dude?)(I did not mention it to him ofcourse, like duh?!) There I also met lots of people, beautiful people. I think they were great if I got to stay longer to bond with them more but the shy me won’t do that; so they will stay just that… beautiful people.

We got to spend the night on one of the aunt’s house, it was fine and I slept well. Aside from the day being exhausting, I very much welcomed the peace and silence to swallow me already for I do not want to hear another story again. I’ve got enough for the day, so please. And then I was in my corner again crept up in a deep slumber.

My own mind driving its own woke me up, it wanted my eyes to open abruptly, so it did. Early in the morning, we drunk coffee ( my 2nd time in 12 hours, wait ’till one day passed by) and another surprise surprise, batch of stories again. We also got to see their owned land, and it’s big I tell you. Rich family they got here. Tita got to bring home some freshly picked fruits and vegies too.

It was almost 10 I think when we continued our way to Baguio (Aug. 11). I was fine as long as I got the window sit and it was just perfect. The 45minute ride was consisted of trees, rocks, waterfalls, trees, houses, risky road, trees, fogs, the lion, trees, phone games, trees, music, people ofcourse and have I mentioned trees yet? Yeah, there are trees too. I just can’t believe that we’re literally driving all the way up the mountain, cuz’ everytime I lean on my window side I could see the road we’ve just driven. Man was that freaking great! I should also tell you that the moment we stepped out of the car my mind was blown by the literal chills it gave me like what the hell the sun is shining brightly and there are breeze. Whoah man, baguio is screaming, memories to come bro, memories, get ready. We, just my cousin and I this time stroll around jumping from one location to another. When I thought that walking is really exciting got my tongue back out. There is a freaking killer path we have to walk up. It felt like I’m climbing a wall because I literally came face to face with the asphalt. Man, that wasn’t the end yet, it also has turning point, if the first 10 steps was torture, how much more did I endure? Ugh, at that point I was already planning how should I start my body work out when I got back home because I honestly gulped down my whole water bottle for a 10m [i think] walk. My endurance and power obviously shoot down due to my lack of activity for almost a year. We have some lazy fat ass here, ’em sowyy. But the view after the hill-like-climbing was breath taking, I promise. You can see little house down the mountain and stacks of fogs, I wanna swim on there, tbh. Talk about hard work pays off, it did. Though my experience here has just got started, I was sweating cold on my shirt the moment we arrived at UP Baguio. I was only on my jeans and cheap shoesย  and add my baggage I carried around while the people around us is in their styles and outfits. Thinking they are also just my age, my self-esteem boosted low enough within 5 seconds. Congratulations, you are a brave girl. Like I could ever wear those kind of clothes even I am prepared enough. Wait, something is missing. Right, I lost the jacket along our strolling that I had tried to go back to where it might have fallen because I just borrowed the jacket and is actually my sister’s. Right, talk about memories. From that moment, I dont know, I lost all the excitement I reserved for this anticipated trip. It simply ruined my expectations. All I could think of is how the hell will I explain my clumsiness. That is my personal self ladies and gentlemen, always getting ready for the worst because I always come up with the worse. Thank you.

We stayed for another hours on a different aunt’s house again. Wherein, you can encounter a dog in every step, thrilling isn’t it? Because I am very much looking forward to catch rabies here, awesome. We sipped in a coffee again while watching and spent the lunch there. Baguio is really expecting me there ’cause it can’t help but surprise me; it’s freaking raining. I’m on Baguio and I’m spending half of my stay torturing my mind of how much more luck will I get until the day ends. Finally, when it was on the mid afternoon we decided to take the chance and start the stroll despite the slight rain. We went to different famous parks that can be found there like: botanical garden, wright park, the mansion and burnham park. (Dunno if that’s all and what others are called, cool) I also got to experience boating and I got so much fun, it was my first time. Once the dark crept in, we met up with the others and dine in on a Greenwich. Their lasagna was like, wow. Very foreign to my mouth, a good different tho. There also goes pizza and chicken too. Seem like Tita do not ever want us to feel atleast a slight of starvation since from the start. We got a slight problem with the transpo on the way to the house full of dogs, arf, but they managed to get us home. We rested for a good hour first before bidding goodbye. Once we settled on the bus, the exhaustion and stress kicked in. I got tons of happenings in a short span of time. Both good and bad. I was so drowned in thoughts that I do not ever want to go up from here, slumped and burried. Thinking maybe this is a bad idea… but not really. Maybe going here is a reward too, for how much time I lost locking up myself but again still not really. I don’t know and I do not want to know. I wanted it to stay the way as it is.

That 48hour got away might be my burden or happiness in the future. It being a ‘memory’ will always be either of the two. But if you are expecting it from me, there is a higher percent that it will be most likely the former. That is a kind of person I am. I am that optimistic. I promote goodvibes. *Note the sarcasm*
When I think of those ‘memories’ I can’t help but sigh and utter, good times; yeah, good times.

Ps. I hope I do not confuse you with my sarcastic remarks along the lines there,.so yeah. Try figure which one is and are not.
Pps. I do not even thought you would be reading this because in any means, you are not meant too. Loool

splxxnx | Fri. August 28, 2015 | Edited: December 11, 2015 | fri | 8:07 PM|