story

Scraps

I was taking up my exam that time when you suddenly cross my mind. I was unconsciously smiling when I slightly had lost the idea of how to solve the numbers in front of me. I’ve loved math. And you manage to meet me in the midst of my deepest concentration. That thought scared me. 

I cannot have a distraction. This can’t be. 

But I remembered our almost close interaction in the hallways, stairs and the library not so long before my exam. I was motivated. 
Is this the thought they were talking about?

“How can be something this good be so bad?”
How can my motivation be my destruction?
And then I saw you there. Sitting with your friends. I spotted you almost immediately, you just stand out. I didn’t realize that I am already smiling to myself. You were looking my way. 

There is something wrong, though.

I don’t want to admit it, but it’s your eyes. 

It’s the same mesmerizing pair but they don’t look so inviting to me, they aren’t calling to me anymore. Why are they so distant?
“Hey, isn’t he the guy you were talking about?”
Said my other friend walking behind us (w/ other friend). 
I smiled at her when I turned my head. “It’s him.” As I replied, it turned out sad. I think I knew it. 
“He was totally looking at you.” She mused me. 
I looked at you again, you look good in the panel. I hope you were doing great on that event. 
My eyes tried to follow your line of vision that seems to be anywhere but me. 
And it landed to where the voice was,

“Totally…” my lips uttered, 

(not) my mind added. 
-LSS | February 23,2017

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Inspire, Out of the blue

Self love

Dear self,
There are tons of things you should be doing right now but your mind do not want to operate so you opt for what you think could calm it a bit. 

Write a little something that will make you feel good about your shitty self. And guess what, it happens all the time but even writing do not seem to be working anymore. How many drafts were in your trash bin that was long forgotten because after 3 sentences, every ideas vanishes. 

What is the accurate feeling of your unspoken mind? You never figure out. Isn’t horrible? Nope, it’s more than that. 
While there are indeed tons of things you need to accomplish at the moment like school stuffs- I want to remind you of the things you NEED to stop doing. ASAP. 

1. I want you to stop overthinking. First things first. Everything I would say would fall into this category because there is so much in your mind that is affecting your physical aura that you are unaware of. Stop the what if’s and just live the life. 

2. I want you to stop letting your friends affect your perspective in a bad way. You have your fair perception you made yourself, so don’t let them bother yours with them. There is no wrong with the friendship as long as their idea wouldn’t kill you.  
3. Stop comparing. Your life is the way it is because it should be like it. It should never be like those that you saw on others with your naked eye. Because you know what? You deserve more than that. Believe me. 
4. Stop controlling the things out of your hands. I hope you figure out that once you let things be, that is when you will find happiness. Adjust your mindset and focus only on all what you have. 
5. Stop mourning over petty things. Just because your hair does not turned out how you want it to be, you get to ruin your whole day. I hope you see that there is more than the looks you try to rock. Appreciate compliments and consider yourself lucky every time you get one. You’re way prettier that you’ll ever realize. 

6. Stop the messy life, declutter. There are so many ways to do this, even Youtube can help you. You’ve binge-watch shows on there, spend it on more useful videos and teach yourself. Life hacks, 101 Tips, remind yourself that you will only consider the rational ones. Internet sometimes is confusing. 
7. Stop complaining. Be grateful. Scenarios in your mind are bound to be destructive, that is when you’ll start seeing life differently and unappreciatively to what is really happening. Simple things matters. Remember, it was your mantra long ago. Smile on the things that bothers you and thank that you are actually making a progress little by little. You will get through whatever your situation you’re in. Kick ass and be optimistic.

There is more in life. Keep your head up and don’t get tired on expecting good things. Life is full of surprises. You can do it, girl!
Love you ❤️

-LSS | February 22, 2017

Inspire

Get over it

There’ll be mountains of dialogues stack on your head right now on how do you want to begin your new year. While I have my fair share on it, I decided to have a couple of words to finalize my great ideal 2017. 

Just because it’s the simpliest does not mean it will come at easy. No life is easy. I only want to stay like how it is and do not delve much on the complex. It’s easier that way in this non-easy life. 

I am going to rock this year with relax posture with sass! Kidding aside, 2017, come at me! 

Events, Memories, Uncategorized

Behind the year 2016

2016 didn’t fail me when it said, “it’s gonna be an eventful year”.

If anything, I failed it.

I was thankful for everything that happened throughout the year. It made me so much happier to see things differently, to experience awesomely great things.
Indeed, God was able.

From the beginning, I laid my heart out to Him, for the past year I’ve become miserable then decided to lean on His decision instead and this all happened.

I could now just barely feel the anxiety and pain I experience last year. Honestly, it’s coming back once in a while. I’m still in the process of healing and I think that the trauma would be there for much longer time but it will be okay.

I don’t know how much change it caused me but it makes me crave for one. I always want to be hungry for a change. That is for sure.

It was one of the things I learned from life, that change is the only permanent thing in this world. So, I would hold on to it because it would always be my last chance.

Acceptance was the hardest part of moving ahead but it was definitely a leap to take, it was that time when you realize that “I’m so done.” And I think that’s a progress.

Because once you overcome the fear of embracing the reality, that is when you will live it. And then, you will realize, that it is not that bad. You’ve learned to see every good things in smaller details and that will make you special. How you treat life is how it will treat you.

I would love to share every memorable experience I had this year and I’d love to have it here.

I had an adventure.

So, I’ve been to Nueva Ecija with some friends. It’s one for the books since it’s the first long distance trip (i think) I have gone with my self (technically)- I mean, with no relatives connected, ya know. Just the parent of my one friend who didn’t really mind our business but sure keeping an eye on us. It’s a 3-day get away, hey!! Loved every memories there. Also, I edited clips of me on the trip. It was no-pro type but I admire myself on my effort I put in there (lol)

Second time was mid April, it was with the same group of friends I was with on Nueva Ecija, but this time we got more than tripled! We ain’t complete but hey, t’was a bunch of craziness already. If we are, our favorite adviser wouldn’t able to handle us already. He was with us, that’s how cool he was. We’ve gone road tripping. It was the best one yet. Not perfect but enough. We spent the midnight on road and hit home on dawn. Although we spent the morning at our friends’ pad. We were hyped. That day was great!

I attended birthday parties.

For some reason, I appreciate being invited to birthday parties although I ain’t a hundred percent sure of coming, I always tried. It kind of brought me thinking that I am remembered (wow). These people sure meant to me too. If they weren’t I would not come any way. Thank you friends!

I had my OWN PARTY.

I turned 18.
Say what people?! Yup, I hosted a party. I had one. It kinds of freaks me now thinking that I really did. All thanks to people behind it, of course. I had so many break down before it though. I’ve been stressing on it so much, I didn’t realized how much it affect me mentally already. Nevertheless, it happened, I’m glad. There was a lot of arguments and push and pull of decisions so it ended up being abrupt and not a hundred percent prepared event.
^Honestly, there was this thing that I really sincerely wanted to feel but I can’t get myself to it. The genuine happiness. Everytime I think of the party, I wanted to feel how beautiful I was that time. How magical the moments are. There’s just none. But I never mention it to them. Not any chance.
I don’t know why. But maybe, it was because of the beforemath, I wasn’t completely feeling my self. I felt like, I was only pulling it out from them selfishly. Maybe, I felt drained from all the emotions I stressed my self to. My heart hurts just from thinking how ungrateful I felt despite being beyond blessed I a truly am. I wanted to be happy. But this is not about this. This is not the happiness my heart craves.

I had my first job.

It was one of my major goal this 2016 and promised my self to have one right after I turned 18. I was frustrated of my life the past months before then, I felt so useless and just unreal. I pursue on finding one, I am just lucky to have a friend to help me get this job. She was working there for her On the job training and the store needed more staff that time. So I grabbed the opportunity, honestly, blindly. It’s just sad, I’m almost unsure. Our other friend was there too, we both got hired but she left after a day. Without so much conviction, I continued. Days and days passed, I got used to it. I actually loved the placed and my chores. Until schedules got out of hand, salary isn’t fixed and I felt violated for all the policies that seem to be applied unfairly. Although, I loved the people there, I was aloof at first for they are not my age. They were all on mid 20’s and up. They helped me a lot, more than they knew. I trained there for almost 2 months. It wasn’t bad for my first time. I was a server/cashier, managing the cash bank was fun. It was my first dream job, oh, childhood. It was a good experience, tiring but worth it.

I came back to school.

After a year and half, I am back. It got a little complicated on my first two weeks since I was still working on the restau that time. I had a hard managing my time that it always left me exhausted, mentally and physically. My plans of being a strong part time student shattered right there. I could never survive. I chose school, my mother thought other wise. I think that she cannot and will never understand my situation that time, we had misunderstanding. I tried to helped my self as much as I could standing up, shitty happens, it almost impaired me. Everyday I was a walking wreck.
I put so much effort to divert all my attention to my studies. I should get over everything and let it all be. So, I did. I believe that in every push I give myself, I am still leaving some of me behind. You know the feeling when you cannot completely give your all despite of wanting desperately? I failed. And I am not saying those because I failed, because if I achieved what I promised myself, I will not be saying this. I don’t know. Honestly. Trust me. I promised to help my brother who sends me to school. I promised to have that scholarship that will spare me from paying school fees a hundred percent. I failed. I’ve been praying for it. I failed. It’s not enough. I was almost there. I thought it was on my grasp already. For the many times again this year, my heart shattered.

But they let me continue for the next semester and now, I am obviously on a holiday break from school. I am still trying to find the right track. I am still working everything out. I will never stop. At least, not now.

I had the most eventful year ever. I don’t want to be cynical but for some reason, I was made to become one. I even want this entry to be an uplifted and only contains goody stuffs but I can’t help pouring everything out. I shouldn’t be sorry though since I made this site for a reason. It just happens that I can’t control my emotions sometimes.

I had my ups and downs and downs.

Every things happens for a reason. Phrase that I kept reminding myself every time I fail to meet my expectation.

The next year, I want to make it more about personal. I felt like I’m lacking of it. I felt like I’m never personally stable. If I want everything to be smooth, I should start it with actually building myself.

The next year, should be something I should be looking forward to.

-LSS.
DEC.22.2016

Out of the blue

Sad

I’m sad. 

No. I’m really sad. 

It could be anything until I put a word on it. It makes difference. You know, when you are certain of your feeling. Because, for the record- i never was. 

The reason of the feeling? I don’t really know. It was when there is nothing going on, I am this.

It was when I can’t make my self speak, I am this. And all I can ever do is write it down. Like today. But most of the time, I delete them afterwards. Because all I do was rant. And my rants were senseless and pointless. 

It was when something little bothers my mind, I am this. 

I’m a mess. But I’m silent. 

It’s the silence that suffocates me, not my favorite one. 

I am sad because my heart felt really heavy and I don’t know why. 

I don’t like how my family look at me because I could just see a glimpse of disappointment in them. Whether it is just me, but that is what I see. I hate my eyes. 

I don’t like sitting alone, because it makes me think how pathetic I look like on someone’s perspective and thought, why am I alone in the first place. 

I don’t like being dismissed. When I have a question, means I would love you to feed my curiousity. Because curiousity kills and I am not a cat with nine lives. 

I don’t like making my self laugh when I am not really happy. It feels like I’m digging myself deeper on the hole I am currently in. It’s not beautiful in here. 

Please help me out. 

Or, should I do it myself?

Yeah. 

Don’t worry. 

Well, i’m just sad. 

And everything that I said, does not really make sense to you. 

LSS | December 4,2016 

To whomever

There, somewhere. 

I don’t want to be lost here

Find me a place to be lost instead

I want the sound of the wind in my face

I want the lights dancing as we go past through them

I want the long waits in line of those in different colors 

I want the beat goes along the hump in every of the way 

I want to see the people around without them seeing me

I want the trees and the long roads too

I want the color of the sky ahead of us

It would be nice on a sunset, i guess

I don’t want the time to bother me 

How I would love to be in a place I have never been to, can you take me there?

A place of unending reason to live and chances

And once we found one,

You can leave me there

Or stay
-LSS. October 23, 2016

Out of the blue

She does not want to be saved

I was in silence, feeling the whispers of the wind in my ear, dancing with them is my hair as it lands in my face.

Then, I heard the sobs of the sky.

I opened my eyes, it’s getting gray. I never heard it in a while and it breaks my heart. Not because I missed it but I realized that here she is again. What is it this time?

I extended my hand, are you alright? Water droplets greet my arms, I felt the liquid in my eyes.

I was crying… and so is she.

“What is it this time?” I asked. She said nothing as she let down her hair knotted in a bun. The rain… it’s pouring hard now.

I abruptly went to the shed to prevent myself from getting wet, but she stayed. Just standing there, her hair down and shoulders slumped.

I called her to join me at the shed, she raised her head up and looked at me. She smiled and was about to step forward but then she looked behind. There comes the much stronger storm. Looking back at me, she get something from behind her.

She got an umbrella, a small unsteady umbrella. Opening it like it’s her armor. I was confused, I frowned at her. She is now facing the storm and is getting in its way.

The storm came.

Shattering sound was heard, harsh blown wind was felt.

It stopped. And there she is.

The umbrella was by her side like it’s long forgotten, out of its form and other accesories was out of sight.

Her hair still down and shoulder still slumped. She picked up the umbrella, closed it then put it back in her back.

The sun was showing up, the wind is getting lighter.

I stepped outside the shed, she was still in the distance, now fixing her hair and clothes.

I came up to help her.

Two more steps. I extended my hand, trying to reach her.

But I can’t, she looked so vulnerable. I can’t, she was so far away.
She is so far away.
She looked back at me, she was smiling.

She started to walk away, leaving the words that is so simple but seems so complex. But then, I let her, I let her be. She would come back anyway.

She always do.

“I’m fine.”

-LSS
August 2016

Inspire

Little Something

We want to be strong.
But we have to be vulnerable.
We don’t want to lose.
But we have to accept defeat.
We want to stand for our dignity and pride.
But we have to think practical.

Funny how we both need things that are completely contrast to the other. But on a particular circumstance, only one particular thing must be done.

Sometimes the more we reach for the top, the more we are unconsciously bringing ourselves down.

We can’t always have the upper hand but we can save ourselves from a complete fall.

Strength is power. If we are gaining it, means we are bound to lose it too. Slowly. What if we drain it in the middle of chaos?
Can’t we just be vulnerable and save our power for something that is worthy.

Or is it worthy?

Is it worthy losing your dignity and pride of the crude thing this life is challenging you?
Or was it really about your dignity or was it your pride? Maybe it was just your ego that possessed you to keep it up, even if it’s already hurting. Even if you are already bleeding.

If you can’t hold on anymore… let go.

Letting go is winning. You win from the fact that you could accept things you can’t before. Maturity. It is like winning yourself, giving ourselves a break from losing something, which is yourself too.

We didn’t know that maybe, amidst of the battle we are fighting, we’ve been losing a part of us. What is winning for, if we can’t bring back what we lost from the chaos?

Acceptance.
Accept the things you can’t have.
There are some other things that is in stored for you.
Accept the things that doesn’t matter anymore even how much you treasure it.

But you could keep it.

Keep it to yourself.

…if you have to.

Is writing this makes me a coward? A weak? No.

All I know is, I’ve been strong enough to show off what I can, and I just know how to play with this cruel reality called life.
I learned how to live it.
By living it, we have to leave some things on the way.
In order to push through, survive.
We let it be and watch how things will fall… apart and into places.

-LSS
MAY 28, 2016 | 7:38 PM | SATURDAY

Uncategorized

Tagaytay Escapade

Planning this trip was smooth, we brain stormed ideas and stuff and that’s how our discussion became heated and fun at the same time.

Arranging it was undoubtly not easy for we were inconsistent of the van we were planning to use and foods to pack. But all went well at the end.

Persuading friends for this was stressfully tiring, because everyone was like yes and no, unsure. And if won’t personally ask, they won’t give you updates about their final decision. *Sigh* S/o to TMM!

3 DAYS BEFORE THE TRIP
I was slightly getting hype but stressed out of everything my plans for this month. I also started to second guess this trip because of stupid superstition and instinct that made me question my decision. But how can my heart take this long drive down?
You know how much this makes me feel alive and contented, how much I love this kind of escapes.
… and the fact that it turned out to be a night out. It’s final! I’m so doing this!

2 DAYS BEFORE THE TRIP
Things were getting out of hand and slowly drifting apart. Okay, that’s exaggerating but these past weeks were seriously draining me. It was exhausting me physically and mentally. I cried for no reason at all and to just plain pathetic instances. Also, I haven’t had a proper sleep just yet. And time won’t stop and continue torturing me with how fast it flies. Damn, can you slow down?

1 DAY BEFORE THE TRIP
My father haven’t given me money for the trip yet and my mom still pushes cons and cons of this upcoming out of town. (Presenting to you my super nega mom). I guess she just cares so much. It doesn’t take a genius to know that I’m lacking money and this day has to be the day we were supposed to look for (summer)job. Great idea, friend. So we went out but I was unluckily still too young for the company we went to. So I waited for my friend until she finished her interview and meet her on lunch break. I think it’s fine that she got a huge chance to have a job and I don’t because during lunch my dream came true. I ate alone with no company at all! Don’t I just love to be independent? So it really happened, I swear.
So there, after that I hanged out with 2 of my high school close friends (chia and len) and do just girly things and catched up.

Before the day ended, we finalize the whole trip and how it should go. We’re still conscious though, but we love being reckless. Bad asses we have here.

THE DAY.
The original plan was to start as the sun rise but take it from us; we’re undecisive. Instead, we drove away just as the sun sets. The sun chooses to great us that day beautifully. We were struck by its rare look or is just me for I wasn’t out most of the days.

Fast forward.

It was already dark when we got to our first destination. It was on the upper area so the night view before us was fascinating. The thousands of light from the houses hundred miles away from us was amazingly seen from there.

One thing I want from darkness, it wasn’t always loneliness- as how we usually define ‘dark’. There is peace and beauty, only if you want to find it.

Since the time plan was changed, our iterinary has to change too. So we decided to take this trip literally as it is- on the road.

We dine in at KFC for dinner sometime that night and came back to the road again. After one round, we tried to put a picnic blanket somewhere to stay. So we did, it was midnight already, the place was huge and spacious that we can take long walks. Chilly nights with friends are always the best. We played various of games and talked about random things.

If not for the van limited time rent we aren’t home yet at 3AM. Unfortunately, time has to come and we have to go back and face the reality. (??) (Lol)

For me, everything turned out well, despite its imperfection and abruptness. Everytime we do something different I know our bond is getting tighter and that’s more important.

How everything happened, may it be good for our side or not, is maybe how it really should be.

-LSS
APRIL 12 2016 | 1:30 PM | WEDNESDAY

Out of the blue

Tiring

Check out @PoemPorns’s Tweet: https://twitter.com/PoemPorns/status/710375312190734336?s=09

I can’t put it into words. Guess I’m never good at it anyway. But I stumble into this one from twitter. Words struck and it home. Yes, I am tired and not just because of lack of sleep, from everything. I need rest, it’s not the one you can get over night. I need time. But I don’t want to waste one… again, I’m lost.

-LSS
MARCH 17, 2016 | 7:56 PM | WED