Out of the blue

Sad

I’m sad. 

No. I’m really sad. 

It could be anything until I put a word on it. It makes difference. You know, when you are certain of your feeling. Because, for the record- i never was. 

The reason of the feeling? I don’t really know. It was when there is nothing going on, I am this.

It was when I can’t make my self speak, I am this. And all I can ever do is write it down. Like today. But most of the time, I delete them afterwards. Because all I do was rant. And my rants were senseless and pointless. 

It was when something little bothers my mind, I am this. 

I’m a mess. But I’m silent. 

It’s the silence that suffocates me, not my favorite one. 

I am sad because my heart felt really heavy and I don’t know why. 

I don’t like how my family look at me because I could just see a glimpse of disappointment in them. Whether it is just me, but that is what I see. I hate my eyes. 

I don’t like sitting alone, because it makes me think how pathetic I look like on someone’s perspective and thought, why am I alone in the first place. 

I don’t like being dismissed. When I have a question, means I would love you to feed my curiousity. Because curiousity kills and I am not a cat with nine lives. 

I don’t like making my self laugh when I am not really happy. It feels like I’m digging myself deeper on the hole I am currently in. It’s not beautiful in here. 

Please help me out. 

Or, should I do it myself?

Yeah. 

Don’t worry. 

Well, i’m just sad. 

And everything that I said, does not really make sense to you. 

LSS | December 4,2016 

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