Torn Between

Guess what’s happening 99 days from now? IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! So who’s excited? ME? …Not exactly.

I was supposed to do this on an exact hundred days before my big day. But who am I kidding; aside from me being forgetful, time really do fly so fast. Big day… I never really stress myself everytime about this but this year is different. I am about to meet my legalization age. Yes, I’m 18 and still a sore loser.
I never thought that turning 18 would be this mind-boggling and emotionally-tiring. It’s getting nearer and I still do not have anything on my plate up to now. So many things to consider on planning and I can’t help but over analyze each of them. I think this celebration would be anything but elegant and classy. I want to make simple and mild. No extravagant designs, cakes, gown and venue. We couldn’t afford it anyway. But I’ll be happy to atleast remember this once in a lifetime event that comes to every girl. I’ll be happy to celebrate it with the people that stayed by me through everything within my 18 years of existence. Also, I want to see myself do something different and this will be my very first step and I know it will motivate me to take bigger step than I did before. To see myself actually grow and became what I have become. To remind myself that I have no more excuse to not be mature about life, I have to start and take responsibility of my own. To remind myself that I am an independent woman now.

That isn’t the main issue though. What is it the torns me to decide? Well, I am out of school for a while now. My batchmates were now three semester ahead of me. So, there is this K-12 program now and the first batch of it starts this year, which means, no first year enrollees; which I am one. Grade 11 students are much expected now. But if I want to atleast catch up on my subject left to complete my one year, I probably have to take summer classes. I am not sure about it still, I am clueless as sh*t and it’s frustrating. I don’t know what to do, it feels like I’m left hanging with no options at all. My current situation is very crucial since I don’t know how it will work for me and with those who has the same problem as mine. If only there is someone that could help me out and give me some push to do something.

I have no idea how much the budget would be but I’m really close to losing my mind. Call me dramatic, but this really is a tough decision to make for me. To think how much permanent damage it will leave once it is done, it’s scary. I don’t want to be disappointed, never again, or I would put all the blame to myself for ruining my own life. We don’t have much money to save me from this so I better make the rightest choice or it will be my forever burden. Kyaaah!! I’m afraid I’m going to mess this one. I pray for the better. God help me!

God, guide me and give me wisdom on how will I handle this kind of situation. Give me a tough heart to be ready for everything. Give me peace of mind to clear my whirlwind thoughts swirling unstoppable. Help me get ready of what will happen in the future. Your will and way, Lord. Only Yours will prevail, all of this rants is nothing when you decide to snap your finger and flaunt your magic in front of us. You are an amazing God. Only You have the power to make every unbelievable happen. God, work for me. Amen.

January 18, 2016


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