We can never tell time and chances. Time has never been considerate ever since I met him. He’s like, you do your thing and I do mine. As everything move continuously while we at some time were struck or trapped of a particular thing, passing through it wasn’t easy. How could you run after things that got passed you and left you behind? We have many choices on how we prefer to live our lives.
You just have to be wise and endure all of it. Until everything take its place, atleast, on how you view and want it to be.
Life is a crazy journey. We have to handle our emotions well. Joy and sadness… then there is depression.
First week. Everytime you look around, everything seems so wrong. You can’t have a glimpse of goodness even on its smallest form. You gather your thoughts but all you ever come up is regrets and disappointments. You think everything and everyone is unfair. That life is unfair. You are being driven in a road full of confusion and hatred. Because that is the only thing that you can ever come up; negative emotions.
Second week. As much as you wanted to make everything right, it always lead you to why you can’t change it. You keep telling your self that there is still a chance, that you can do something to turn your life back around. But all that is offered to you was nothing, it was empty.
Three months. Envy. Imaginations and illusions. These are what invaded your head mostly. Past months are torture and so is your ideal conclusions of your current life situation. You are hopeless and helpless. Hard headed and dark hearted. Numb and snob. Attitudes everywhere. You became unpredictable. Give it to you that you are hurt, but you drown yourself too much, young lady.
Seven months. Depression. You are eaten up by your own emotions. You are once again cracked and left alone. You felt nothing but grief. You are in desperate need of answers. You are almost giving in that you wanted to end everything. Self-pity.
… but you know that there is still something inside you, your deeper and inner self, there is hope and lost soul. Lost soul that you want to find. Lost soul that keeps crying out, she wanted to be free; free from the darkness she is in.
You meditate. You begin to see the smallest of things, the grains of every seeds. You see the worth of the unworthy. You find happiness in the simpliest things. Because that is all what left, little things. That is all you have. And it’s not that bad.
You know that you can remain as calm as this long enough. Enough to endure all the misery kept behind you. Enough until this is all over. Enough to make you last.
All smiles. All right. Seems normal for me. Seems okay. Seems legit.
However, there are days that the clouds are black. You can’t help it, so you let it be and pass by. Ridiculous!
You are able to survive the everyday life tragedies, then who cares about who and what is pretending. Life became your game. You play the game.
Whenever you see beautiful vibe into something. You know it’s a great feeling. That is why you are all eyes on what surrounds you. You crave that great feeling. You want that feeling. It’s a familiar and missed kind of feeling. It’s nauseating you in a good kind of way.
As you roam your eyes around, you can’t pretend like you never see facts that you kept shrugging. It bothers you somehow. And somehow brings back the feelings you locked behind long time ago. Years back, you’d be mourning by now but does frowning and stoned face consider as an improvement? Maybe yes, but not really. Reality is slapping you in the face and you don’t care.
Days flying quick, months kicking in, how long has it been since? Throughout it all, what are the changes I manage to do? Baby steps and slow walks are what I’ve been doing since I forgot my goals and my footsteps behind me and lost. How long has I been struggling to answer questions that I can’t even bear to hear. How long has it been watching my friends from afar? How long has it been since I left myself somewhere in the midst of the dark woods. How long has it been since I lost my soul? How long has it been that I became a lost soul?
Two years? That is such a short time for someone. But I am not that someone. Those years have been flips and turns for me. Within those years, I’ve been a stranger. And I don’t know until when will I be one.
But those two years were a wonderful ride. There are lessons you learned and things you improved. Discoveries and memories are what made those years worthy. Worth living for even if it has been difficult. Despite all those circumstances and sudden changes, there is one thing you never stop doing: wishing and praying.
For that one day wherein: you will be able to see all the justice to everything that had happened, you will be able to respond to all the phrases you once thought of saying “I wish I could say the same” and to be able to say or scream rather, FINALLY!
So don’t stop waiting. It will be given, when it is the right time. Prayers are powerful, just be faithful.
Life is never fair. You tell your stories, but never end it. Remember that once you reach the plot, that is when things are getting better. It is not the end yet.
12:36 Am| January 11, 2016|